If your sheets could talk I always wonder what they would say
Would they tell me the nights they spent cold and alone
when you never made it to bed. Remind me of the time you swore I would be the only one you share em with. To tell me about the other black curly haired girl, One just like me
Those soft sheets I curled under and patiently waited to feel your arms around and your warmth next to me.
If my walls could talk I wonder what they whispered in your ear when I am dead asleep. Tell you about the times I cried myself to sleep with you right next to me. Shedding them in hopes of reading me from those feelings.
If only those sheets talked to me like I wished for these walls to do for you
The wall of my sleeping face, Mouth moving telling all my secrets
Hold back the most with foreign rumbles....
Which I later on disclose to no one of importance in the matter













It's not done but I haven't put anything up in forever. Don't want this blog to turn out like the other 3 now do we?

I hate it

Don't let the title confuse you. This is all going to be of appreciation and reminiscing on how things seem to be turning out.

So this is where I am in my life I don't seem to be able to hold on or let go when I need to.
Its as you have read before I stay stuck in reverse. while I am watch everything else move by.
I don't even know how to put it all out here or anywhere as a matter a fact and I am not the only one who knows this my friends see it too of how things in the past that have gone by undisclosed. The Pandora box I purposely closed to keep friendships from falling apart at the cost of mine. How now we stay up for hours talking about our mistake as if we have learned from them when we know deep down inside if we were given a second chance we would probably be the same.

Why is it that we now find the courage to admit things we should have to make it all better. Why is it that everyone saw it and we never did. why do we have to keep going through this like I am reading pages of the same book time and time and time again that I want to take out the pages and burn them one by one to end the never ending circle I seem to run around.
Gaining company but with time losing parts of me seems to be redundant
failure to communicate either by chance or choice.

If it all hasn't been said then it is not done.

I am giving up

Like I already haven't

My heart beats for you
It stops and starts and bleeds for you
when breath leaves my body
and my lips have long turned blue
dirt suffocates my soul
and still I'll be begging for you.

I believe in all your promises,
and the way you hollow out my name.
I need the lies you say
to hide what I became.
And now that everything is over
(you dont look at me the same)
But I need you, to dull the pain.

Nobody ever says anything that means something.
I feel like I should be living but I feel like I'm dying.
I'm closing on an edge and I can't see over.
I'm drowning.

Reached the end of MY rope. I don't like the way you treat ME so I am doing something about it. If I am not nice to you then you DON'T deserve niceness from me. A lot of things can go both ways. And when you come to realisation what has changed you have no one but yourself to blame because I have done MY part. I AM DONE.

I read this somewhere

What can I say I can absolutely relate.

To be honest I am not a nice person... Actually I am the worst...I play games because its fun and I purposely will make you feel like an idiot... My standards are High because I want the best but deep down inside I know I will be settling for the rest of my life. I am... an outcast in the sense that no one is like me...I am the worst person because I am a female who trusts no one.

Its been a week filled with suprises. Disappointments and realization. In so many ways than expected.

Yet again I find myself having to start moving on time and time again.
I feel for Her and Him. I want to protect them both from it all but
How do you do that when everyone around it is trying to do the same
and failing miserably.
You two on the other hand are no longer seen the same way in my eyes
Some people just don't deserve what they get.
How sad it is to stand on the side lines and watch it all pass by
Is that how the rest sees me?

All these colors...One prevails

I wanted to lay in bed and not get up. Start my day, my life with out anyone important in it.Away way back to the time when I once thought I was in love or to just a look at a few months back was a blast. To how much I have changed not knowing how long it will last.
I do it finally ; roll out of bed unlike the few days from the week before I actually get myself to the shower instead of putting on clean clothes and spraying some smell good on. I stand in there multitasking. Trying to keep track of time while I wonder off in my thoughts of how to keep this facade.
I put on my green polo's but blend it down with my grey vest. The irony of it how I try to show my bright but subconsciously covering it up with my true colors. As I wait for my ride to the life I no longer want to be part of or have no place in. I try again. I put on the red nail polish I have been saying I will do the past few days. Red, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red. As I look down at my hands...10 things race to my mind. for every finger I panted red.
Red for the flowers I wish you would leave on my door steps.


Red for the relationship I wish would grow and ripen,


Red for fire we lack.


Red hate,


Red passion,


Red revolution I could bring bring to this all,


Red for the battle I will fight,


Red of the sunset that seems to end us.


Red for my inside that bleeds,


Red when I reach the bottom of my spectrum.

August! School is about to start.
A part of me feels like nothing has changed
so much has went down this past 2 months.
I feel like I have moved on
I know I am still stuck in too many place at once this time.
What my mind accepts with compromise
my heart wants with nothing left behind.
The numbers go up and the emptiness doubles.
People lie to me left and right to my face
Don't you know I see it

Late but here

I lay in bed talking, texting
constantly trying to keep you out of my mind
I really do.
But I wake up dreaming of you
hoping I had a reply
but seems like I am the only one
stuck in reverse , still looking back.
Its seemed so real till I woke up
I am late, late to work , late to feel
and left behind.

I woke up this morning

and rolled right out of bed got dressed to go to work and I felt good. I have been talking about giving up smoking for a week now but past week was when I smoked the most since I started I think. I smoked a pack every night and next morning I paid for it by coughing my lungs out. I felt good not to have smoked not a single thing all day yesterday and today is day two still :) I am going to need something to do immediately after work because if my mind has time to wonder I will end up wanting one.

I have had a great weekend so far it has been by far the best minus the fact that my right hand girl my side rib isn't here.

Switching up people you hang out with really helps in the attitude change I have been talking about. and with the people I have met we have decided we wouldn't swap numbers nothing we are keeping it old school... come knock on my door if you want to hang out or do something so much more personal and It has worked fine for us so far.

I-day

I have these thoughts of wanting to be something more than I am...Trying to find that drive and passion in life seems to be a lot harder than I thought.

Trying to let go of things in life that seem to bring me down and tie my loose ends is taking time.
As the days go by I seem to find shame in myself about my past that I have

Its all a turn around

I don't have much to say... Every time I think or something I am no where near to being able to write.

My days are good my nights are something else.
getting caught in situations I would like to avoid
having to explain myself more than I need to
when they already know how it is
met boy number one nothing different from the rest
met boy number 2 has me still asking questions
wondering where he went
and there is boy number 3, 4,5,6 they all won't get a hint and let go.
but that one boy, man... lets leave it to that.
Need to cut down on my habits start living it up with out the influence
of my corrupted mind cleans my body start fresh? Can we?
Its the end of body cleansing of to the next one need all the limbs for that one



Laterz!

Just A Quick One

Sitting here in Kelce with the Kauffman kids.

Its been busy being back.
Going to be done with this today so I will share some of the few things that have been running through my head and what not.

I am about to go make sure kids are not doing same thing I am doing...what they are not suppose to be doing in other words.

I wouldn't know how else to put it.

I am about to be on that train ride again! Tomorrow!

Start of a new school year for me[ I know you're thinking school year doesn't start till August]
This is second time I am leaving the place I called home for 19 years of my life and heading to well I guess some might call it my new home but its school. I haven't felt comfortable to call my parents house home more some reasons more than others but I am doing this finding myself and being my own person thing on a much higher level this time around. And I feel like its going to be different. Sitting around for a whole month with not much to do other than look at my computer screen, sit and think and see what my life was the past couple of years well got me thinking[again] or how I promised myself I would do things differently when I found the time and place that allowed it.

My first year in Pitt was nothing like I wanted it to be. A disappointment in quite a few places and me being as I am I tend to weigh more on those than the success and achievements.

For a moment though I don't want no one feeling like they were part of my disappointment[may be you were at some point but thats a different story]

I love my girls... They made my second half of the school year what it was and thinking about it makes me smile from the core. [I don't know if I said this in another blog] I want you guys to be the people I go visit or talk to when I am 50 and we look back at our days at the boot!

Talk about our plickde plick plick time or lack of [rora]

I have learned so much from some people and they know who they are. Those that see great things in me and have told me so Thank You! that meant a lot more than you think it did.

I know there are some of you out there that don't realize where you stand and what values I hold when it comes to your friendship and I hope one day you will. And when you come to that realization I get to know of it.

I hate interruptions like un expected text messages and people acting childish over little things.
I am trying to get a blog post in one mind set thank you.

People never fail to surprise me at the most unexpected times.
Jamie[if you ever keep up with this]
I heard you all the way through the other day. I understood all that you said regradless of your intoxication. It all made sense[make a prat out of yourself? never] Bobo and I talked about it and enjoyed it quite a bit actually. You made my night. Your rolling paper helicopter intreasting if only I could see you doing it instead of your mid body section in the camera.
But Keeping in touch is at two way street and neither of us were on that road this past year.
For me it was because I felt like you would see that I have changed and not accept it or I just didn't know how [being on different parts of the world doing completly differen things with our lives] to find that common ground for us but for all the things you have said and we talked about the other night I think we're already standing on that base we just need to connect.
And thanks to this technologicaly well equiped world, you mac, my hp shall not fail us unless we fail ourselves.

Back to my train! the ride will be shorter but as effective in my will to scrible stuff down I hope. Just be gone in a peacful place or productive not everything in life is pretty colors right.

But getting on and off the train will be a pain for sure. 3 sets of bags all by myself? Wish me luck.
Sad I depended on getting a ride from me father who has a meeting early morning. atleast will have helping hand when I get back to the land of OZ or close to it.

Dearest Jamie

Jamie is DA BOMB!!!

She is drunk right now and demanded a post about her. So here it is

She keeps thinking twitter is the same as blogspot is same as twitter.


she can make anonymous comments.

Fry-day

After a historical night of telling my mom how I really felt about things she brought up yesterday feel extremely good about myself. I only wish I was leaving on Sunday and not Tuesday that's three more days I am away from my Life.

I did my Laundry today and packed most of my stuff except the wet ones obviously and My book

The joy of knowing that I will have all my books to read makes me happy:)

Except I am missing one book [Veronica decided to die] which makes me sad I want to re-read that the most.

Monday through Tuesday

I remember being on this same path last year.
Sneaking around(then it was because I really wanted it it last night/today I actually needed it) for things that I that I guess weren't really worth if if my mother was to know. In my opinion however I learned what I needed to know which then made people think I was on a higher level than I actually was and now (well a few hours ago)I find myself face to face with what started it all and I didn't know where to start, with telling what I have learned how I've grown/changed

I almost missed the train it was a close call with the ticket lady.

Looking out the window I see the residue of a rainy night (I was in it at some point in some what manner). I wonder what that black lady with her nappy ass hair and a lip piercing that look like it wasn't done right, is going to A'dam for? Even the rest around her? You can clearly tell the business men from the students. I wonder what category someones just like myself puts me in. Dressed in formal pants, tennis shoes a leather jacket and a bag with a folder full of documents. Probably think i am a student at the Hotel school[How ironic if they really did thought huh ...it would make my smile from the core(that's my new thing to say)]

Girl to my right in red coat seems like she is going through.....

Inspection paradox
Birth-and-death quearing... [I can't see that far on her page]

Definitely a student she is.


Ah! Typical student 'I am in a rush to have breakfast so lets grab a box of juice, etc [Chocomel]

The last word was Model... Birth-and-death quearing Model

Hmm that's a lot of equations in this book. She has got and its in English so most probably Leiden University

We have only traveled 10 minutes...why is it slowing down?
I forgot the train stops at Leiden

Nope not Leiden. She is still here. So Amsterdam University College.
Man in front of me is sitting here in his own world on his [DRUM Roll Please] Berry...Who does that remind me of?

I wonder if that is how he will be when is older with a ring on his finger just a lot more darker with a more up to date phone at that time...maybe a brush in the hand still?[ what do you think Rora?]

Running for the train I totally forgot about the coffee I said I would get while talking to David during my printer disaster. Yes I get quite a few of them at home and stayed up trying to get it o work so I could print my application forms and not mess up this appointment.
My mom woke up took the vacuum cleaner and just went to work on that printer front and back.

This scenery is so beautiful. It makes me want to reconsider wanting to leave[if only I was quick with my camera you could see what I am talking about]

This dude is singing 'she got something I like'. I want to have a specific thing that he likes and can't get from no one but me. Ask me what that thing is....I couldn't tell ya.
Its going to be a long wait for my appointment. I will be getting[brain freeze for a good minute]

Sleep getting heavy on the eye Trust playing in my ear

Ah! Schipol I will be here next week exactly this time[that's the airport of all those that lack dutch life knowledge]
I felt my feet get cold




I almost missed getting off the train but some cutie woke me up and said we are here.[with out that coffee I passed out]

In half a sleep mode I paniced a little [from the core] I didn't recognize A'dam central that well not until I walked down from the platforms. I had totally forgotten to check which tram goes to Museonplein[Embassy street] I had a vague idea of where to catch the tram not sure which one though. I asked the information lady.

I did a better job at all this last year. Because it was my first time and messing up my visa issue would have meant I was stuck in the place I was. Mosdef not a place I wanted to be at. This time around [in the back of my head] I had a thought they gave me a visa before I am just renewing it this time don't worry too much about it and this care free spirit almost cost me a lot of money.



I now sit in the gorgeous little tunnel shaped care[the closest to the embassy] because if I am not mistaken I might have actually gotten here about over an hour too early for my appointment[ all my time telling devices are still in Kansas time]


Can you tell I am eager to be back? When I say I can't wait to be back people wonder if its because Europe is boring and that I find Pitt better than The Hague but that's not it at all. For me Pitt is a place I can be myself to the fullest[ I am still figuring out who that is for those who might be asking who is that exactly], where I can be, say and do as I please with out constantly being reminded of cultural and and beliefs I got raised by. From these I have kept some but others do not fit me like a good shoe for the path I want to take in MY life in the 21st century we live in. I feel like my parents are still living in the past in their minds but think too much about about the future too much they can drive a whole clan of people Insane.

I am not saying live life with no aim, have no plans but please please for once you need to sit back as people of God leave some things in his hands. Your constant thinking and worrying it not going to change the out come of things but just because you stress and drag us[Mahly and pomy] along.

I keep getting lost in a blank thought starting at the chandeliers hanging from the bars on both sides of me

It's amazing! I love just writing. I have decided to re-read all my books from my High school English Literature class over again this summer and coming fall, Finish the ones I started and gave up half way[ a habit I have had]

Again I was gone...but blank

I just love this Environment around me. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I actually went to Hotel school here. I would be getting ready to go on a six month internship at the end of the summer.
I just love the busy city life, the opportunity of having to meet so many new people from anywhere and everywhere those people that come but are most likely not to stick around or keep in touch

Right now the clock couldn't move any slower than it is already. My God I have at least another hour till my meeting. But then again If I had left an hour later than I did it would have been calling it close and may be even being late

One thing I learned this year amongst many
To be early is to be is to be on time
to be on time is to be late
and to be late is to be left behind
[love my kandies]

And who wants to be left behind? Not me and I certainly don't like being late either. Its a bit chilly in here but I don't want to put my jas back on

Back to my books and the main reason I want to read them again, finish ones I started is some things Ms. Farrell [ my first English teacher at ISH] said to me.. If I want to be a good writer[ I don't think I have the gift to write like some people do] read read read.
I am also going to take a creative writing class either online or just to fill credits at some point.

Someone keep check on me? [Cookie... can I give you that job? you seem to see potentials in me neither I nor other people seem to see. Okay may be mr not big papa does a little I guess.... he has said somethings you might want to shake his hand for. do you even get on here unless I mention it during our talk? Just to let you know I quite like your spontaneous anonymous comments]


When someone asks what is your type how many of you have a list or description and how many times is that a well thought out answer instead of spur of the moment. I am starting to figure my type out or that's what I plan to do with the me, myself and I time I am taking off like before my recent involvement.. Figure myself out more in that area not just settle. No man is worth my sacrifice if I am not being made a sacrifice for.[ the one thing I agree with my mom about]

Its almost 10:30 appointment at 11:15. Should I go yet. I think I will wait for another 15 minutes. My bladder has been trying to open the sphincter and let it out for a bit but sphincter hasn't failed me yet....haha
I don;t want to move from here. I could sit here all day and just zoooonnnnn out for a while look around me and keep scribbling. You rarely hear me say I want to stay in one place for long, I just love it here [this feeling , spot, trail of thought, mind set I have which is none in specific but a small dose of everything after each blank moment.]

I am waiting on music I was promised. I wonder when its coming but I hope its worth my wait when it does. I'm trying this new thing called patience thing as part of my growing process i guess.


Ah bathroom time...
then embassy


Laterz!

"I believe unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant"

Martin Luther king

Backspacing

I have deprived you of the attention you deserve year after year I think some where deep down inside that's what you have been waiting for. But I didn't realize it till one summer night. I was a late late night too.
I don't know what it is about these 3 am talks that question both the past and the future
(Let me pause for a moment and think...hmmm)The Future?
Whats that for us
All I know is I'm grateful for the past...No joke(as not big papa but the other one would say DA-ask me I will tell you what that stand for)
I personally think you are retarded at times
but its your pride
Ah that pride but its the way you are
and that's absolutely alright.
That makes you the unique one
you know what sets you apart from all those that have come and gone?
Its that THIMUN 2007 was not the time I thought you would show up
None the less stick around.
It was faith I was working reception at lunch.
An accident I left my applications in your hands
my luck I got to see you in conference
and walk home that night
Looking back at all that and more it makes me smile from the core..eeks
Even though you backspace your words online
In the end those thoughts are bound to come out.
And if its really the way you say it is
I feel special.
But I am at a lose for words to show you how much your worth in my life.
If only you could read minds...you're still not to bad right now.
But my (or is it your)turn (which ever) will come where you will reach the realization I have.
Don't worry though,
you will always be my cripple gay retard.

June daze!

That's what my actions of the whole week have been to myself and everyone around me. I did nothing but stay at home sleep, eat, shower and get right back in my pj's to some extent I liked it the feeling of doing nothing... I tell myself that's the point of being on holiday( Its a lie or that's what I really think).

So much has been going on since my parents got back last week(yes Monday it was a holiday some pentecostal one...I should know more about this but I don't care)

A lot about school and I guess life( more of that was today over lunch with mama)

This is my first actual blog in a long ass time... for my liking atleast.

Its a shame all the days I spent laying around on my bed with my laptop somewhere in my reach or right in front of my face I would get on here... Check to see if Chris, Rora, Lois, Josh or Ruth have added anything. So far only been keeping up with one since I only find updates there so as a whole in comparison to everyone I 'follow' I haven't done too bad well except Chris but he an exception.


I need to go take a shower but I will be back on this tonight for sure.

It is going to be a long night... or not seeing as I spent the whole day out with my mom.

Shower time...

I shall blog and get it all out like its late April all over again.


Its funny how most people I have met over the summer and read my blog think I am upset every time I write. I was told I hold too much inside and need to sit down say it all out at once and get it over and done with. If only it was that easy Ibk I would take you up on your offer sadly it's not.

I know in the past my blogs have been inspired my emotional self for the most part. But I can't write unless I am in some state. It was hard at first but I am getting better and just writing when I want to I guess.


Its just something of my own...Most people don't get it.


Ah that shower awaits me must get to it.


Laterz

Change

I feel like I have made a new turn in my life where I am content in a most parts of my life right now just not school... not yet( I will get there though)

A friend of mine pointed out that I didn't look the same and that I was acting dandy the other day that's when it hit me. I have reached that point, the moment I have been waiting, of refreshment, renewal and just clear content. I feel like I have moved on from a chapter of my life that I was feeling drained in. To a point where I just look back at the good stuff having learned so much from it. I am ready to good back in meet the challenges that life has for me. Enough with the negativity get on with the positive. I am just going to look life from that direction for now.

My parents come back tomorrow and that's going to bring with it a lot of baggage, things that need to be dealt with and talked about. Questions will be asked that I can not or don't want to answer not just because I had confrontation but because I have found my answers and they don't necessarily need to know them. They might be part of my life but they are not my life so it all boils down to what is best for me in the long run and how is it for me now.


I can see I have changed so much in comparison to my friends. I have been seeing it little by little the past to weeks over the short time I am out with them. But not just that I have a very different outlook on this freedom of not having parents here just because of this year away from them. It will be hard being told what to do and when to do it by parents and what not. I had always felt a bit out of place with the people I go out with but right now I just feel like they have stayed the same and I have grown mentally in such a different direction. Sitting down and talking with the girls about getting ones own place and being out on your own where as the guys are still living life like they are in high school and not in college. Don't get me wrong I am not looking down on anyone but it just seems like they really haven't grown out of their childishness in so many ways.


This is not all I want to say but my tram await...More like I will miss it if i am not out of the house right now so.




Happy BIRTHDAY to my girl Rora!!!! I will have more to say on that one later too... you will get a whole blog to yourself m'dear!!!

In My Head

In my head I play this song
its a song I have heard before
of a girl who had love
love so overwhelming
she couldn't believe it at all
she had a habit of running
pushing away when she heard melody play
No body ever noticed her way

I want to tell you I don't care
but I do
I don 't know why I want you
when I don't need you
Knowing that all you will bring me
is Tears
I don't want to sleep by myself
but I won't find someone else.
I just want to
I want to get out of these silly thoughts
When my body wants you and
its hard to keep myself from feeling
But I keep seeing you never really cared

I want you to let me go
make me hate you
because I know I can't stop my self from
wanting to be with you
But push you away
Met me under the red light
So you can't see the tears in my eyes

Its so amazing how you are nothing.
Not the person I feel in love with.

A lil old saying

Can you ever forgive if you can't forget?
questions like that stick with me
When positions have moved
I hoped thoughts would too
but nothing has changed.
I turn all the pictures to a blur
to try and get it out of my head
But I still see the dark lining
bring back the rush of ecstasy.
I need a new addiction
that isn't you.
Clear your music out my Itunes
Delete the picture off my screens
Replace my old Zahir with a new one.
I am going to try
I have forgiven but not forgotten
the good memories.
Its a different state of mind.

You haven't forgotten what happened but learned from it or learned to live with it. You have come to peace with it. Forgiving and forgetting might just give you leeway to make the same mistakes. But remember not only the disappointments and let downs but the euphoria, pleasure and moments of satisfaction.

Hour long

we haven't been the gang in forever even before I left so there isn't a gang so to speak and umm our personalities have changed they enjoy the walking all about town all night sorta thing I don't. I like a certain type of music and doing something instead of others. I am not too into my feelings about stuff you are too into about ....If you like a guy quit talking about his fucking friend who you say you gave head to and might possibly love you so he says but he backed out...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so much drama and I was drunk and blew it for you so you tell me. I don't give a shit. I said I am sorry so get the fuck out of your feelings and move on don't dwell on this shit and those boys you are supposedly in love with or whatever the fuck it is you are need to get themselves together but not more than you do hahahaha that's it.

It has been good to be back... So far in many aspects.
I get to see my sister who in so many ways has not changed.
The food is as good as ever. I haven't had a single bit of junk food, burger, etc since I have been back. It makes me happy.
I went to church on Sunday and it felt good(why wouldn't it right).
Going out with friends had reminded me of a few things which I will elaborate more on another blog because there is a few.
Having Werner here I feel a bit(how do you say it)constricted/held back. Having to go around see people, People wanting to come see me it's mostly something I have to do alone which means he needs to find something to do and so far it hasn't been too bad but I still feel like a bad hostess when he came to visit (me more so than others)and I need to get rid of him when family friends come around.

In a way I am glad he came to visit because who knows when I will be able to see him again. And there are so many people all over that I wish were a bit like him who made the effort to meet up and see each other especially those that can afford it and have the time. but oh well. Every one is different. It would have been nice if I had this week to myself more than I did and he came to visit a bit later. But then he wouldn't have a place to stay so he wouldn't have come to visit at all.


Regardless of the dilemma being the guest or the host myself. I am having a good time. I had forgotten how much him and nat cracked my shit up. I am constantly laughing and its fun just as always I am the one who is the outsider to some extent now still.

I have been told I have a Kansas accent by a kid from New Jersey and I am more violent apprently.

I need to go be a good Samaritan and clean the city now...


Sorry for having MIA...for the very few that actually pay attention to all the ish I blog about. haha


HOpe every one is having a great summer.

Suprise week

So this week is about to be interesting. Today I got a call from my friend who I haven't seen for over a year and he just happened to be looking at tickets for Monday so I get to see him...
This will be a wonderful visit because I wasn't even planing on seeing him at any point... ah this is going to be great.

No one but me and Werner has any idea [and maybe Nat] how exciting this is.

The familier sound of Dutch to my ears

I made it through an 11 hour flight just fine. I was passed out from KCI to DC. I think the fact that I was up all night and drunk before I headed to the airport contributed to that. From DC to Amsterdam was different because I only slept for a few hours and was dosing of and waking up none stop. Anticipating landing. and it was a great feeling seeing the farms and the water below with the windmills. It took me a while to get all my luggage together and make it to the train station downstaires and missed my train so I just waited for the next one.

Nat came to get me from Central I was so glad to finally have some help for my luggage even though some guy helped me with my large bag on and off the train I thought that was nice of him and said thank you a million town. I don't know who but some one in pitt had said to me you are pretty I am sure some one will help you so who ever said it I guess you weren't too far off.



This is me and Nat taking the bus to town. I am glad to be back in town for the public transportation.




When I was ordering this girl asks me if I know what it is. ofcourse I know what it is why would I be ordering it if I didn't know what it is by its exact name?

Never the less it was amazingly yummy




Ended up like this

Gotta love Vapiano.


Town hasn't changed much... Its just great to be back. I feel like a completely new person... or more on my element than I do when in pitt. All that bipolar behaviour ( as Chris called it) is gone when I come here atleast so far.

Got home and had so wot and injera which was long over due. Then went out to town with nat. It feels like I never left in the first place even though I feel a tad bit out of place since I need to adjust to the way people look out here once again. I need to pull out my European state of mind out.

I can't wait to see Polina and Bobo tomorrow. And go to church since fall break this should be fun.

I hate this and I might possibly hate you[possibly because hate is a strong word but right now that's the a word I am obligated to use]
YOu don't see you have never seen the extent of things from my end EVER and that's sad. I just want to beat on your chest right now and make you feel it like I do[have]
Make you see this pool I sit on following[from me]

Fuck you and you and you and you...


Have you ever witnessed the loyalty switch when your friends be the person you can trust and depend on but once they make new alliances. Their friendly requirements to you mean shit to them....Its some horridly funny shit.

I keep nothing from you NOTHING not a fucking single thing because so far that's what I thought I have been getting from you but shit... if this is how we play it why should I put my self out there when I don't get the same treatment back. What changed now that you don't tell me shit when I asked straight up....what changed?
YOu know the extent of things me and you share but I am starting to doubt you... I have been for a bit now but shit this was a form of confirmation for me.


And You, I would be like I am in the above but like I said why should I be opening up to people and being my ultimate self to someone who isn't there. Who doesn't appreciate what right there[ in front of you]. Like I said a long time ago what shit difference does it make that you are trying to make friends if you ain't really trying to keep[treating] the ones you have right then?

Out here, every time my instincts told me something it has followed through and on point too. So don't sit here and tell me my instincts are wrong. I might be being paranoid but my paranoia is dead on point too so don't fucking lie to me I fucking hate lies or liars[makes me a hypocrite] but If you were truly and honest with me that's what you would have got. I hold back because the one, two, three times I asked for the truth so understandingly you lied to me. You told me to my face I was imagining and seeing things in a different light when really you have just been switching up on me. SO don't get mad that I am treating you the way I am because you deserve it. You just don't know and that wasn't my choice I had to look out for my 'friends' best interest so I became the bad guy when everyone else came out as the sane and reasonable one. All this is based on my instincts and They don't fail me. In time I have learned[my lessons] to follow my gut feeling so don't sit there and tell me I am being paranoid because I know for a fact my paranoia is on point.


I hold back so much because I don't like conflict, arguments or headbutting with people but some times even if I turn out to be at wrong I am still going to fucking say it out loud enough with my silence and trying to give people the benefit of the doubt coz I ain't getting nothing for ya'll. Yes I am not....Nothing but me sitting there for hours talking to my sister trying to figure out why all my friendships out here are so fucked up and out of the norm. Realizing how much this place and the people in it drain the living daylights out of me.




I know what it is I just let people walk all over me and I am done with it all. If you are allowed to voice your opinion and act an ass whenever you pick and chose well news flash expect the same shit right back.



I might as well get to you while I am at it. I don't like people who call themselves friends but don't act like it. Yes you know what I am talking about don't be acting like you have my back when really you are going behind my back fucking around with him. YOu thought I didn't know huh? well bitch I do. so take your friendship else where coz I don't like to associate with people that be going after some one they know I have feelings for. and shame on you for[being a guy] letting this happen and not seeing how much shit meant.


When I hit my target I hit it hard and I would like to see you pull me out of it.

I give I give and when do I ever receive? It doesn't even matter no more coz you probably have nothing but poision [ to my soul] to offer.


I will pass on all of that thank you very much.

Closing of a chapter that already ended

I start with Hey how are you doing? What have you been doing this week? That doesn't even matter why am I asking. Point is I am leaving tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you to have a great summer. Its[you and me] been fun[good] getting to you for the short while I did. I just felt like end of the year>>>> first year of college>>>> end of this chapter of my life[ a chapter that has been close for a while] and I just wanted to say Goodbye. I know it would bother me if someone left with out a bye[rora knows what I'm talking about]

I forgot to say this



























I'm SORRY, as cliche as this may sound it was never my intention to hurt you which in the long dun really, I think, I know I ended up hurting myself more. We had a good thing and I blew it. I am sorry more than you will understand or know. I need you to tell me its ok and if not right now maybe at some point it will be okay so I can stop beating myself about it every waking moment of my day. Bottom line








I am sorry.

I wonder if some people tolerate your friendship in a certain way because they think you are friends with them for a specific quality they acquire. Why are the people I am friends with my friends? Some people are certain because they like my personality and I theirs.
I know when I moved here I had a few guys ( names are not necessary) were so close, texting and calling wanting to hang out but the minute I wouldn't let them in my pants it was a different story. It was as if they vanished off the face of the earth. That showed me which part of me the valued to have become my friend. But there are the exceptiion few that I can never tell why they are the people they are in my life. I still wonder and don't know if I will ever find out
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I am the kind of person who likes being reminded what I mean to you. I like ( like most people maybe even everyone) getting appreciated once in a while. Everyday is too much only when necessary. I would like my good deeds to go unrecognized.


But why worry about human recognition when the most important one comes from above?

Who are you now?
I can't help but wonder if you have become what you are because of me.
How,from that moment onwards you were completely different.
Cared for nothing(me)even more so than before.
Or that's how you depicted yourself(to me).
you were once JOy and a sanctuary in my life
now you are nothing but lost and scares.
Unpredictable is your ways so distant, physically but more so emotionally
what am I do to do about you, the thoughts that seem to assume me,
the concerns I have over situations remotely related to you.
Am I to erase it all to move on? or go back? Can I?

Again I am left in a state of confusion.
Stagnant.
Rotten.
Something I have never been.
Still hitting that brick wall(you)
Stuck in the concrete
Sinking
Unable to break free.

For the sake of doing it.

The days go by with out blogging the more I feel this is going to be yet another failed blog site like the other two.

So I am going to write not to lose it. To keep going and make sure I am on top of it. I am going to write just to write.

My last weekend of my first year in College...
Well it was eventful. Somethings we could have done with out but even those make us stronger where we are or break us(as cliche as that may sound) and for some it has jumped to a different level for others we are at a stand still. But I wouldn't have asked to spend it any other way.

Out with friends on friday night and acting a fool. Lois's till mid day Saturday was refreshing. We talked about so much and what's going to happen over the summer. It is going to be different and Long...But I am looking forward to it as it is.
The rest of the weekend has just been quite.

My room looks like it did when I first moved in...


Brandy(my roommates) finds it so odd how it looks the way it does now; for me It brings back memories...that feeling of freedom I had been waiting for for years. The thought that this 12.5 by 13 feet room would be my home for the next 10 months was exciting. Now I look forward to the summer and the 10 months after that how it will be.


Different


From this one. Having grown and learned so much. Not making the same mistakes. Letting people in...pushing them away.

But first I need to get on this flight and make it home and back.

I need to make a list of things I need to do before I leave and while I am there.
(I just jumped when I heard a brush fall... He probably didn't even realize it)


1. Take boxes to Loso's
2.Change mailing address
3.Pay phone bill online from home
4.Make a list of souvenirs for who?
5.Don't get lost in the middle of your list....

Time out.

It has been an eventful and insightful weekend. I have been wanting to put so much down but having left your laptop out of reach(so to speak) makes it hard.

I am stuck...

Who knows...It seems I'm always asking that question...Its a futile action to ask an impossible question...so why do we do it all the time?

The need to know seems to overpower the rationalization that it is impossible to do so. So I sit and I ask this pointless question, ponder, worry and tear my hair out over it even though I know none of these things will find me an answer.
In fact answering this particular question falls on the side of the completely impossible...I can't know until its too late and I just can't accept that...

I just had a high moment listening to pirates of the Caribbean theme song






































Then came this one....my low moment.... I sat here in the corner and cried.




I need to talk to someone. Probably not you.

You make me sick! You know who you are.
I shouldn't have put it past you to be the way you are.
People like you is the reason why I don't trust(Meisjes).
You say you are this way only to others.
How is it different that you find it acceptable to be the way you are towards people that are not your friends.
I say if you can do it to people you don't know it must be easier to work your way around people that you actually are more knowledgeable about.

All this has been a learning experience from day 1 at BFS.

God help me be a better person than I am now because I need it.

Lone Ranger

As cliche as it may seem. This is how I feel. Lost. Alone. In the dark. Unsure... of everything. Things seem to lose their value, lose their meaning. I feel as though I'm losing everything. Especially a sense of self. I don't know how to deal with myself, or my thoughts. I write them down and read and reread and still they make no sense, still they seem written in another language, or at best, by another person.

Words roll off the tip of my tongue and I barely hear "I'm fine, everything's okay, I'm good, it's going well" and I am glad because lies burn through my ears like quick fire, and it really is quick fire question time. Everyone seems to want to know what the fuck is going on, including me of course.

I listen to music. I think. I have nothing to talk about. I feel happiness like an unreachable goal. It seeps away through walls I thought were air tight. I feel sadness like a disease, consumption of the only good things it seems are left in life and I feel myself waving goodbye to all that was ever good. Everything that has ever been good floats through my head when I have empty minutes that creep into hours and consume the time as though it was nothing. I think of people and places and things and tears fall but they feel like they are disappearing and I feel like I am disappearing and all of a sudden it doesn't matter and I feel the memory of when it did matter floating away too.

My words are poison and I feel as though I can't even trust myself anymore. I type out these words and then I realize that I never trusted myself anyway, I trust this, I type and I don't think I just let words flow as though they are excess which I need to excrete to cleanse myself. I need to cleanse myself. If only it didn't seem so... like the end.

Mid week

The day has been slow...The night is going to be long. Bio Lab final tomorrow and I have no one to study with. (Bummed) ah well I will have to just stick it out on my own.

I went upstairs to get me something to eat and it was closed. I don't have the desire to go eat nasty dinning hall food. oh well I won't let this or anyone one ruin my day. Even if I have a big load of things to get through for this final....I am gong to do my best and hope that pays off.

Then its back to my den, back to my papers. Its me, Vincent and this huge ass TV tillI get it all done. then we can have a good night too.

I wish I was good at this

Ik wil dat was in staat om goed in Nederlands uit te schrijven. Ik juist pist mij ervandoor op welke wijze zij allemaal fungeren de weg zij dit doen.
M doet dit ding waarin ze fungeert verkiezen eenieder is haar beste vriend in de achtig geen tijd. Geen jullie zijn van niet. Ik mocht in staat zijn om zijn te begrijpen omdat jullie zijn vormen een kleine stad dat jullie zijn de weg jullie zijn maar waarvandaan ik sta in brand jullie gaan los als nep wanneer jullie doen de dingen jullie dit doen.
R jullie zijn daar juist ik weet niet verschillend. Maar jullie maken mij gek zo veel op welke wijze jullie zijn zoals het volk ik praatte in mijn blog eerder En jullie.
C juist hebben zodoende van bewegende tot mij en ik verkies niet gene. Ik verkies jullie zo veel daar voorbij jullie kunnen zich denken. En ik probeer bloedig van niet was de weg ik ben. En zo veel meer minder. Jullie hebben zodoende van de vervaardiging mij voel zich juist verloren

Gezellig??

I just get reminded every day that there is never a good time for moi to get cozy. Yes its all a day to day may be even in the lowest measurement of time level. When ever I feel like I have gotten or am getting there with some one. I just get set back by something.

I really need to stop caring.


Some people are just down right rude. They know it and don't care. People like that piss me off. If you know you are acting in a way that is considered in appropriate in the society they why would you not do something about it. I don't like rude, narrow minded, impolite people.

Insight

Its when times are short we become what we are
better at all this communication and that
look back at the year past
I learn a lot,
This is all about you
you deserve it I think
don't let it get to your head though
I doubt you will.
I have learned to change my ways
say what I want to say not in June
but in May.
though things have been vertical
its been fun from day one.
First in line and never last
Started it all
'Primary and fundamental'
In brief you are *Primordial*

Good Morning

Its been a good day. Not as productive as I would have liked it to be. I need to put last minute things together for classes. I stayed up 27 hours and ended up passing out for 2 hours. Still going at the moment. and with the amount of work I have been putting off. I want to stay up all night like I used to back home with my Euro shopper Hazelnut chocolate bars ( two of em) and be awake all day. But these ones >>>>

are real good too.
The only difference between ES and RS is that ES ones have small pieces of Hazelnut and RS has the whole ones.

At 7 AM itunes on and I had John Legend singing Good Morning. That was the good start to my day. With a few old rituals.


People are starting to leave this week and next week we are all out of here...most of us are (even if its for a little while).

Last night was like trip down memory lane. Watching Desperate Housewives that I had missed earlier that day when I was chilling at 2621. But that kept me up.
All day I have been thinking about is packing, going home and all the good things that await me. I am so excited I just hope I don't get my hopes crushed with in the next week. Damn Consulate people.

I know I am crazy and irrational at times but when people physically abuse me on purpose. I don't tolerate that kinda stuff.


All is said and done.


Maybe not said but done for sure.

This is where I stand. I know where that is. You need to 'find yourself'. But I am not sticking around for it.

16th of May

Talking about food in my previous blog just had me on a role. Vapiano is my most favorite place to eat at... That is my meeting point..lets grab a glass of wine, lets grab something to eat or just go get desert place.


Antipasti: Insalata Caprese


Pasta: Pomodoro fresco e basilico


Pizza: Rucola


Desert: Crema de fragola

And with all of this comes a wide variety of wine to chose from and no age restrictions either.

AHhhhhhhh I am getting myself hyped so much

Some one today asked me what my deal was and why I don't have a boyfriend...LOL
I wanted to Laugh at his face or give him one of my blank looks. But that's hard to depict over a text.

Lucky Ducky Kiki

I am about to put my thoughts down in bullet points like assignment style with an introduction,main body then a conclusion. So here it goes.

This blog today is going to be many of my disappointments I have had in the past week or this weekend. Nothing seems to stay right or alright for long. I have so much to talk about when it comes to this whole past week but lets keep it shot(I don't want to be going on). So we are going to limit this to the food and people for now. I might end up with a third main point so deal with it.

Today I woke up not that hungry but by the time Rora decided to start her day I was starving. You know one of those days when all you can think of that one meal that will make your day well I didn't get any of that today. Nothing to eat at the dinning hall as always and nothing is open late enough when you are hungry to get something to eat...which is still in my opinion junk food. That's something I never ate back home. It makes me sick to think of the amount of stuff I eat out here that I would be found dead eating back home just because I have no other option. I miss the food at home. How healthy I felt eating what I ate. I honestly can't wait to be back home to all the good things in my life. That includes the people too.


Which gets me to my other point. PEOPLE out here...I haven't found one person out here that hasn't made me think....what the hell is wrong with Americans(sorry for the few exception). Maybe I am the odd one out. But as times goes by(if it isn't the big things its the small things) I tend to find out how much different I feel from/towards and about everyone around me. I am weary of calling people friends and getting nothing but hostility or lack of friendship from them.(which bring me back to not having that one person that I have and will always call a friend from way back). I personally expect my friends to treat me at least as much as I treat you. I don't want to be given the cold shoulder when ever you have someone else to be around. I really don't like hot and cold behavior but if that's how you treat me I will be your replica and treat you just the same. I don't like being walked all over or being treated like shit. So if you find yourself on rock roads when it comes to me...take a good look at how you have been treating me as a friend and maybe then you can find your answers. Don't act like you care(for what ever reason it might be) when you don't. I keep saying it over and over again. I don't like flip flopping, I don't don't don't want your kindness only when it fits you or when you can see that look on my face. Some times I wish I was more like Chris says I am most of the time. How he looks at me and can't tell what I am thinking. I want to be like that around everyone around me now a days because those who do tend to use it towards me in a negative way and I just agitate my nerves. I want to stay a question, mystery to people hidden and unfamiliar with. That I feel like would save me all this mind trouble.

I am looking forward to being back home...being around people that don't drain me out.

Back Track

I have never really tried self help books but I think I am going to. Become one of "those people"... Lol. May be it will work. I am really just going to go look at a self help section look through it and pick one out

Getting back to strong friendships

I feel like I am missing out on having some one that knows me inside out and I feel like is not putting on a front at times. I just feel cheated in all directions of my life right now...not only by people around me but by one who handing me life...

This weekend has been slow. I do not know what this coming week has to offer

ለየት:ያለ:ነገር::

አንድ: አንድ:ጊዜ:ሰው:ሲባል:ይገርማል:: ሰለችኝ: በቃኝ: ሞከርኩ: በቃኝ:: ክድም ሮራ እና እኔ ስቱደንት ሴንተር ክሪስ እና አይቨንን:ለማየት:ሄድን ግን:ብርትኒም:እዛ:ነበረች::አንድ:ስው:አይስማማም:እኔ:እና:ብርትኒ እንደዛ ነን:: I will get back to this later. It takes a while to type it up stuff up in Amharic because of my keyboard and not having power GEZE doesn't help either. But I am liking this. This is going to be awesome. Normally it wouldn't work but it works not so this might be the new face of my blog... sorry to the people that can't read it...sometimes its for the best.

It really borthers me!

People that chew on both sides of their mouth
As a kid I used to get told of if both sides of my cheeks were bulging out. So please get your food together to one side of your mouth and not both.

Don't sip on a drink while you still have a mouth full of food either that is disgusting.

People with big ass boobs and dress like they have moderate size ones. For god sake just put them away I don't want to have to be looking at your breast in my face very time I look at you.


kudos to you on having the self confidence to be flaunting them around like that... but please please please not everyone( especially me) don't want to see them. Put some damn clothes on. Even I know when I am not dressed appropriate enough or not.

Take care now

I have forgotten how much I loved watching Grey's Anatomy or any other one of my shows I used to watch faithfully before I moved here.


This week has been a very emotional and eventful one. I wish it was in a good way but not at all. Shit just keeps happening, making me realize just how much somethings are not always what they seem or are.


I look at my friends and I envy them in how they have friends from like childhood they still keep in touch with and stay friends with. How their friendships have grown in years and still going on strong till this day. I cant remember the last time I talked to Betty. She is the one I could count close to a childhood friend but we have grown into very different people and have different values I guess that we not be remotely close to what I want us to be.

If I look back can't think of anyone I would have been close with like people I see around me. I guess my situation never allowed it since ICS closed up and we all moved around Nahomi and Bersabeh just lost contact with each other and again just
grew apart.

(Off topic: this girl is sitting on my bed shaking her feet and shaking my whole bed it is fucking pissing me off. She seems really cool but fuck you are in someones room be social get off your fucking phone and quit shaking my fucking bed.)

Family wise like I said I got into it with my mom the other day. and yesterday my dad tried to get to apologize to her and stuff. Its whatever he might call me tomorrow to try and get me to do it. But I am not about to tell her I am sorry for her making me feel like shit like she always does and having her way.

Love life wise: Its all still the same. I am trying to just get back to how it used to be before all of this. Just me myself and I for another 3 years(maybe) but He is gone packed his shit and left. That is all I needed I guess to call it quits once and for all. I will always have those feelings what ever they might be for a few reasons and he knows that. I just hope he won't use those( my weakness so to speak) against me. Coz I would hate to find out he is. I don't know. But he is gone and that's it I guess. Nope point in thinking or hoping shit all is well. I am getting there it will be back to good old me in no time...as far as everyone is concerned.

I am feeling my McCORMICK APPLE so I am going to stop here.

Exasperatingly Humid day

Mid week madness in my world, Hot morning
sweat drenched, nasty feeling start today the day.
GREAT! Found out I had a speech to do.
I had no topic or outline.
Embassy called...still going on about my visa.
I might as well not go home with all this trouble they are giving me.
I am dreading the end of this week. I truly am.
I can't say it out because no one will listen
(don't even think about saying you will)
I don't want PEOPLE to listen. You know!
In the end the speech went well
but I still want to sit and cry
Its like I am out there
but everything else kept in that volt
I don't have the code for.
I want to give up
Make me give up. I just want you to give me the push
I just need that little shove off the edge and I, it will be gone
Done for
I WANT IT TO BE OVER
I AM SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
GET THROUGH ONE DAY WITH OUT YOU INFLUENCING(not in a good way) MY DAY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Quiet

I waited
and I waited...
Gave reminders..
Then I waited...
Brought it up...
And still I waited...
The alarm went off...
and the decision had to be made
I chose...
Still you say nothing ..
No words, mouth shut
No suprise..
You knew all along, Did you?
I could have chose here ..
I had the means to stay here
But your words were nothing...QUIET!

A mess in my head

Yesterday, Sitting out side smoking with David at about 11:30 PM and felt it. I knew this week wouldn't be as good as the last one. Don't get me wrong I am trying to look on the bright side. But when you know that there is a bunch of issues that need to be approached and if need be confronted you would feel just the way I do...knowing how much I hate stuff like this.

My room phone woke me up. It was my parents. They apparently called me many times yesterday on both phones but couldn't get a hold of me. I spent the whole day in my room and had my cell phone with me the whole time.

Telling my mother I am thinking of changing my major made her go flying through the roofs or it sounded like it while I was pacing up and down my hall way. People coming out of their room to go to the bathroom and looking at me like I am crazy or mom. My mother doesn't get to me like that anymore I actually didn't just quietly accept what she had to say...I haven't been for a while now. I had my say where it was needed. I don't think she appreciated it though. Its known that trying to have to conversation with my parents is hard. Voicing my personal opinion in these cases is considered disrespectful. I don't care anymore though. Its just sad how she would rather have my struggle to pay for school myself and let them pay for me to do what I want to do. I can understand where she is coming from but the sad part is she doesn't. You would think some one that raised you and was there from the first steps you took to the day you boarded the plane and left the mother nest wouldn't understand anything. Its always the same story every time. I would think she had learned her lesson the first time around with Sally but I guess not. I sure hope to God she starts to see things in the light now before things screw the youngest over not that it already hasn't with us not being there and everything. I partly feel like I am responsible for some of it because if I was still there I would be the one that would be taking all the shit. Telling me like she told Sally and now she is telling Pom pom that we are going to be good for nothings when ever we do something that she is not convinced is right. Why she thinks this will get us to see what she is trying to say or will push us towards her side I don't know.


I really don't like conflicts or possible signs of them. I don't like the thought of people I care about are holding out on me especially when just the other day everything was just fine. But I can only care so much. so much is a whole bunch. No one has any idea. That's how I am. I have given it thought, just taking things into my own hands making the decision for them and leaving it to that. I am just saying I don't like being left in the dark when I can see light through that peep hole which I hope will eventually get bigger and I see THE LIGHT not just the ray through the key hole.

I feel a break down coming. I am not sure how many of you will get to see it. Yes you reading this might. I try to not let my emotions surface. I really just need to get back to that state of mind before all of this. I really do. It worked so much more better than this new one I am trying. I think this week and its end have to bring will really be the deciding factor of how it will all go from here. But I have partly made up my mind.


Its still all jumbled up in my head. I can't straight it out. Not yet.

Me:People are two faced
David: Well we do go to a school where our mascot is a split face.
I just love how that just makes sense don't you? Yup I thought so too.
It just all adds up to what my previous blog says.

Nat said

"You know people are so fucking fake sometimes, You kinda always have to have your guard up and really consider how far you let people in and what you tell them, its a bitch to be cautious about everything but sometimes its better, some people are just so two faced and in the end they are all out for whats best for them, they don't have your best interest in mind

I'm not out to say like I'm a fucking saint or whatever, Lol, but when it comes to my friends, I'm genuine and truthful and I believe in honesty and loyalty, if someone talks shit about em, I'll stand up for em, and if someone says something about em, then I'll ask my friend straight up, and believe there word when they respond, you know
but some people aren't like that, they don't have those qualities or thought of mind, its like they're dumb sheep who just follow and blindly believe everything they are told, they cant think for themselves, its sad really.
It might be hard, but you gotta be responsible for your actions and be able to be strong enough to face the consequences, I suppose."

The snow ball effect

Its all bundled up in there
I can't pick and choose which should come first
Its that red and black place
your favorite
so let this be about you
I mean you rolled the first ball
its still keeps rolling
wait a second
You didn't roll the ball
they did, who ever they might be
Oh I wish I knew so I can set them straight.
But by bringing this question to her,
you made it hit a whole new level
the ball has gotten bigger
It will keep getting bigger
till it hits something
I need to put it there
I need to set the obstacle
I can't stop it
If I try it will take me down with it.
Even now It will blow up in my face
That's going to be a blow
so when my week turns out to be not so hot
don't ask me why or what?
I sit and listen to this on repeat
Go through it in my head
OVer and OVER again
wishing I had chosen better words
or not even said it in the first place.

I finally decide to make it on my bed just because a big part of me misses it. I turn the lights out and open the blinds. The sun is out. second day in one week or would that be considered two in two. Either way I feel like last year all over again. Spending my night up watching a million and one shows, sitting there hating my parents for being the way they were... trying not to get caught as she wakes up for her early morning prayers. each time I heard a sound I closed my screen and pretended to be sleeping. Now I lay on my bed wrong side up with the gray shirt and green/blue briefs with my AC being loud and watching the food channel.


All this talk about home made me lose my trail of thought. ah well

yes back to my bed its funny how early half of the year I wanted to be anywhere but here. Maybe that was part of being home sick. I would just stay with you every night possible. Now there is something about this bed and me.
Now it too cold and the eyelids getting heavy.


Its bed time bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh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