Take care now

I have forgotten how much I loved watching Grey's Anatomy or any other one of my shows I used to watch faithfully before I moved here.


This week has been a very emotional and eventful one. I wish it was in a good way but not at all. Shit just keeps happening, making me realize just how much somethings are not always what they seem or are.


I look at my friends and I envy them in how they have friends from like childhood they still keep in touch with and stay friends with. How their friendships have grown in years and still going on strong till this day. I cant remember the last time I talked to Betty. She is the one I could count close to a childhood friend but we have grown into very different people and have different values I guess that we not be remotely close to what I want us to be.

If I look back can't think of anyone I would have been close with like people I see around me. I guess my situation never allowed it since ICS closed up and we all moved around Nahomi and Bersabeh just lost contact with each other and again just
grew apart.

(Off topic: this girl is sitting on my bed shaking her feet and shaking my whole bed it is fucking pissing me off. She seems really cool but fuck you are in someones room be social get off your fucking phone and quit shaking my fucking bed.)

Family wise like I said I got into it with my mom the other day. and yesterday my dad tried to get to apologize to her and stuff. Its whatever he might call me tomorrow to try and get me to do it. But I am not about to tell her I am sorry for her making me feel like shit like she always does and having her way.

Love life wise: Its all still the same. I am trying to just get back to how it used to be before all of this. Just me myself and I for another 3 years(maybe) but He is gone packed his shit and left. That is all I needed I guess to call it quits once and for all. I will always have those feelings what ever they might be for a few reasons and he knows that. I just hope he won't use those( my weakness so to speak) against me. Coz I would hate to find out he is. I don't know. But he is gone and that's it I guess. Nope point in thinking or hoping shit all is well. I am getting there it will be back to good old me in no time...as far as everyone is concerned.

I am feeling my McCORMICK APPLE so I am going to stop here.

Exasperatingly Humid day

Mid week madness in my world, Hot morning
sweat drenched, nasty feeling start today the day.
GREAT! Found out I had a speech to do.
I had no topic or outline.
Embassy called...still going on about my visa.
I might as well not go home with all this trouble they are giving me.
I am dreading the end of this week. I truly am.
I can't say it out because no one will listen
(don't even think about saying you will)
I don't want PEOPLE to listen. You know!
In the end the speech went well
but I still want to sit and cry
Its like I am out there
but everything else kept in that volt
I don't have the code for.
I want to give up
Make me give up. I just want you to give me the push
I just need that little shove off the edge and I, it will be gone
Done for
I WANT IT TO BE OVER
I AM SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
GET THROUGH ONE DAY WITH OUT YOU INFLUENCING(not in a good way) MY DAY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Quiet

I waited
and I waited...
Gave reminders..
Then I waited...
Brought it up...
And still I waited...
The alarm went off...
and the decision had to be made
I chose...
Still you say nothing ..
No words, mouth shut
No suprise..
You knew all along, Did you?
I could have chose here ..
I had the means to stay here
But your words were nothing...QUIET!

A mess in my head

Yesterday, Sitting out side smoking with David at about 11:30 PM and felt it. I knew this week wouldn't be as good as the last one. Don't get me wrong I am trying to look on the bright side. But when you know that there is a bunch of issues that need to be approached and if need be confronted you would feel just the way I do...knowing how much I hate stuff like this.

My room phone woke me up. It was my parents. They apparently called me many times yesterday on both phones but couldn't get a hold of me. I spent the whole day in my room and had my cell phone with me the whole time.

Telling my mother I am thinking of changing my major made her go flying through the roofs or it sounded like it while I was pacing up and down my hall way. People coming out of their room to go to the bathroom and looking at me like I am crazy or mom. My mother doesn't get to me like that anymore I actually didn't just quietly accept what she had to say...I haven't been for a while now. I had my say where it was needed. I don't think she appreciated it though. Its known that trying to have to conversation with my parents is hard. Voicing my personal opinion in these cases is considered disrespectful. I don't care anymore though. Its just sad how she would rather have my struggle to pay for school myself and let them pay for me to do what I want to do. I can understand where she is coming from but the sad part is she doesn't. You would think some one that raised you and was there from the first steps you took to the day you boarded the plane and left the mother nest wouldn't understand anything. Its always the same story every time. I would think she had learned her lesson the first time around with Sally but I guess not. I sure hope to God she starts to see things in the light now before things screw the youngest over not that it already hasn't with us not being there and everything. I partly feel like I am responsible for some of it because if I was still there I would be the one that would be taking all the shit. Telling me like she told Sally and now she is telling Pom pom that we are going to be good for nothings when ever we do something that she is not convinced is right. Why she thinks this will get us to see what she is trying to say or will push us towards her side I don't know.


I really don't like conflicts or possible signs of them. I don't like the thought of people I care about are holding out on me especially when just the other day everything was just fine. But I can only care so much. so much is a whole bunch. No one has any idea. That's how I am. I have given it thought, just taking things into my own hands making the decision for them and leaving it to that. I am just saying I don't like being left in the dark when I can see light through that peep hole which I hope will eventually get bigger and I see THE LIGHT not just the ray through the key hole.

I feel a break down coming. I am not sure how many of you will get to see it. Yes you reading this might. I try to not let my emotions surface. I really just need to get back to that state of mind before all of this. I really do. It worked so much more better than this new one I am trying. I think this week and its end have to bring will really be the deciding factor of how it will all go from here. But I have partly made up my mind.


Its still all jumbled up in my head. I can't straight it out. Not yet.

Me:People are two faced
David: Well we do go to a school where our mascot is a split face.
I just love how that just makes sense don't you? Yup I thought so too.
It just all adds up to what my previous blog says.

Nat said

"You know people are so fucking fake sometimes, You kinda always have to have your guard up and really consider how far you let people in and what you tell them, its a bitch to be cautious about everything but sometimes its better, some people are just so two faced and in the end they are all out for whats best for them, they don't have your best interest in mind

I'm not out to say like I'm a fucking saint or whatever, Lol, but when it comes to my friends, I'm genuine and truthful and I believe in honesty and loyalty, if someone talks shit about em, I'll stand up for em, and if someone says something about em, then I'll ask my friend straight up, and believe there word when they respond, you know
but some people aren't like that, they don't have those qualities or thought of mind, its like they're dumb sheep who just follow and blindly believe everything they are told, they cant think for themselves, its sad really.
It might be hard, but you gotta be responsible for your actions and be able to be strong enough to face the consequences, I suppose."

The snow ball effect

Its all bundled up in there
I can't pick and choose which should come first
Its that red and black place
your favorite
so let this be about you
I mean you rolled the first ball
its still keeps rolling
wait a second
You didn't roll the ball
they did, who ever they might be
Oh I wish I knew so I can set them straight.
But by bringing this question to her,
you made it hit a whole new level
the ball has gotten bigger
It will keep getting bigger
till it hits something
I need to put it there
I need to set the obstacle
I can't stop it
If I try it will take me down with it.
Even now It will blow up in my face
That's going to be a blow
so when my week turns out to be not so hot
don't ask me why or what?
I sit and listen to this on repeat
Go through it in my head
OVer and OVER again
wishing I had chosen better words
or not even said it in the first place.

I finally decide to make it on my bed just because a big part of me misses it. I turn the lights out and open the blinds. The sun is out. second day in one week or would that be considered two in two. Either way I feel like last year all over again. Spending my night up watching a million and one shows, sitting there hating my parents for being the way they were... trying not to get caught as she wakes up for her early morning prayers. each time I heard a sound I closed my screen and pretended to be sleeping. Now I lay on my bed wrong side up with the gray shirt and green/blue briefs with my AC being loud and watching the food channel.


All this talk about home made me lose my trail of thought. ah well

yes back to my bed its funny how early half of the year I wanted to be anywhere but here. Maybe that was part of being home sick. I would just stay with you every night possible. Now there is something about this bed and me.
Now it too cold and the eyelids getting heavy.


Its bed time bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh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The dream and the dreamer

So little distance - in such different places
she sits on the steps
trying to look ahead
watching you sit
its the same place where you once held her
but didn't feel wanted - only used.
just like on the side of the road with the 80,
that one day in that box she calls home.
surrounded by red and black
on a late night
not just this night but every night
Its the dream dreaming of the dreamer
when it should be the other way around.

Dare you to Look yourself up

You're no longer recognizable because you don't need to be. I should have done this a long time ago made it all imperceptible. It might not be too late still. This is the start. You were my undertaker. Let it stay that way. I would like to know what mine role was in all this. I get very little/mixed information. I am not good with the 'It will all get better in time' talk. I am impatient( read the previous blog) But for this I just might give it time even though its hard to avoid the thoughts, the pictures, the talks and the urges to push that button, look through JW collection or surf that page be on some suspicious mission.

En Retard!

My time is not something you play with
Sitting around waiting for anyone is nothing something I like to do.
If you say you are going to be somewhere at a certain time then be there
Others have actually made the effort and dropped other things to be on time.
Why should you, you or you be an exception to this people all around the world do it
BEING ON TIME.
Its a common generalization or stereotype that Africans are late
its might not be well know amongst Westerner but amongst ourselves that what they say.
I on the other hand don't like being late I would rather be early than late.
If I am going to be late I say how much more time it will take me to be there.
So when people say meet me here at 11. I want you to be there at 11.
If you say we are leaving at 3 then lets leave at 3.
Because I have put something off just so that it wouldn't run into 11 or 3 so that extra 40 minutes you keep me waiting is time I could have used to be doing something else in.
I could be seeing people in hospital that would appreciate that I took that time out of my day to spend with them.
or getting some work done that I didn't start because I expect you to have some common sense and understand that when you are making plans with other people you can't just be going on your own time but by the time you have set with other people too.



NO one likes to sit around and wait.... I am no exception.

Second time around

We embarked on a journey yesterday at almost midnight to get away from boredom. We were unsuccessful. Today we shall try again. Lets see how it goes... by that I mean...

I know what I mean everyone else shall wait. and by saying ... I am not dot dot doting from 'Mama Mia' LOL.

It really borthers me!

It really brothers me

When I wear flip flops and my feet get dark and nasty with dirt.
I can't crawl into bed with them.
As a kid I hated being told to wash my feet after running around the *compound* and what not bare feet all day.
But out on my own I don't want to crawl in MY bed or walk around My room with dirty feet.


* *
back in Ethiopian everyone's house has barriers their own entrance gates and depending on how well of you are or not you either have a big or small compound. Concrete, arranged stones, red soil or grass)

Phantom Pregnancy's

How crazy would it be if you saw your stomach grow...
felt a kick
and when you went to a clinic the echo shows there is nothing...
no embryo, no fetus, no baby.
Ouch that's gotta hurt huh?
only knowing its either your fear or desire
that tells the body to secret the hormones
the body grows and changes...
Swollen breasts

Oozing?


Gushing?



Lactate.

Dilema of sand-which

This one thought occupies the mind
stay oblivious to whats going on.
can't decide if its about one or the other
But at the same time its hated.
People around get tired of hearing about it
they give the 'Uh huh... ok' look
and not their input
Can't help it though
Some of you know what that's all about
That's me right now
Not knowing what to do
It sucks donkey balls( image what that would be like)
I am trying to.
Its like I can't decide
if all of a sudden I want peanut butter on this jelly sandwich
I don't like peanut butter.
I have had it before.
I know it won't kill me if I had some.
But I also know that I won't like the taste on my sandwich,
the one that stays at the back of my throat and won't go away
until I find something else to wash it down.
even then I am bound to taste in my burp.
Every time I see peanut butter
I will remember the taste
Its all really something I can avoid.
I have already tasted the butter
Its not pleasant
Might as well take a bite
One at a time
Let me just go get a hold of my bread now
and finish it.

Brain Pain

I can't trust no one
Seeing you amongst the flock
Are you just like them?
Nothing different
Its breaks me to know this
Not the first time I'm realizing it though
Why do I keep coming back?
Not walk away and never look back?
I don't want to live like this.
Not anymore.
I want to be content
Stay content
Not doubt your intentions
Not fail my own standards.


What is it I do?
I don't even know
Told I would be different
The one to stand up against the mass and say NO
The hero in the story...the exception
What am I now?
Just that one
Blending in the background.

It really borthers me!

I have decided I am going to have bitching posts every now and then.

Here is today's

It bothers me when girls that know they have flabby asses that just sorta giggles in every direction still wear tiny tongs with thin sweatpants and walk around just giggle giggling their flab away.

Which game are we playing now?

Weekend in Wichita was good not all I expected it to be but different and I was drunk so it wasn't that bad at all.
This week has been so far so good. Much better than my weeks before. I am sitting at my office hour which is actually boring right now because I would much rather be outside giving a tour on this beautiful day than cooped up in this office.

Last night Rora and I went to the gas station at like 12 AM and she decided she wants some taco bell But their lobby was closed only drive through was open. She stood in line between cars and once she got to the window she ordered what she wanted. The guy was nice enough to take her order because some places tell you No.

I think we are over that rough patch
If not before at least for now
I like this
I keep going back down memory lane
Can't help it.
Constantly wanting to touch your face because you let me
Anyone else would say "what are you doing stop touching me"
but you just sit with your eyes closed,embrace my touch
like a longing you have been having.

YOU!
Still indecisive of what you want
am I this or that? or Neither?
You tell me which
once again I am done with the in betweens,the uncertianties
maybe thats why right now I don't care
Even though the feel of your hands against my skin
still sends those nerve impulses through my body.
We both know this is not for long
We wasted that time we could have had.
But I am not complaining
We still have this short while
Till you run off to a new life
Forget about it all though your swear on your life
But used to it by now
Where everyone is in and out every other year just don't know how
But this is what you know
those that value their lives are the ones you see again.

End of another week

So

I GOT THE JOB I am effing excited!!!!!!!

Mijn Vraag!

So I want to ask so much but have so little courage. I have so many things to say but can't find the words. We are both in the same place feeling stranded and confused but we choose not to turn to each other for comfort but to those that might not understand us. On your part I am always left to wonder or don't ask the right questions. But on my part you either don't care so you seldom ask and times you do you don't listen. Why do we put ourselves in a rut when we don't need to. Go back to where we swore we will be found dead if at all. When will you learn that the people that swear to never make you cry end up doing it. The ones that said will never let you go will let you let them go even though all you want them to do is show some sort of initiation they are willing to keep their word and hold on till you cut that hand of and make them let go. Why am I the fool that puts my self out there and ends up being fucked with. hrmmmmmmm I am going to keep on pondering.

"It takes two to speak the truth- One to speak and another to hear."

On this road with so many pit stops
First stop seem alright but not for long
Lets get moving
Its a while before the next stop 3 or 4 a while.
You are my next stop oh how delighted I am.
How bright the road looked ahead.
I trip, that was a blow to the toe.
Feeling Numb
Want to keep on not feeling.
theres a point on this road
Where we all need a refill
But can't find the right place
Just keep feeling drained
Sucked dry endlessly
till you have no will to go on
But just stop
be at a stand still
and wait to be rescued
not passed by.

What's the Title?

Reading the word, sentences and paragraphs
not knowing whats coming next
uncertain if I should keep going.
Will this story change?
Standing in the corner staring at her she looks at him,
keep moving that eye searching the room for people she knows.
She can't help but come over to end the anticipation.
Who he is, what he does or whats his name?
Trying to avoid the other side of the coin.
She's thinking "I got heads exactly what I called"
Seeing your shine how valuable you look.
The day came to test what your value's worth.
And to her surprise wasn't even worth a dime.
Tossed you in the gutter wishing one day
you will be someone else's lucky penny.
But now back to me what do I do?
Do I turn the page? Do I keep reading?
Do I keep going till the story ends?
Will It Ever END?

I don't know what to call it yet.

We went out on Wednesday all of us. It was a good time people came down from KC and Miami. Kicked it at the house so we were all buzzed some of use more than others. and We had a blast at least I did. Rora wasn't that happy by the end having to take care of drunk people and me talking none stop on the way back did not help. All I know is I had a good night. The past week has been up and down. Slowly getting back to myself has been exhilarating. But I am feeling Better about everything most things just because I have reached the point where I am not letting most things get to me.
The few in my life right now that have their own thing going on that doesn't fit with mine don't have to be part of my life. If we are not getting along then its best you keep to yourself and I do the same as I always have been doing.
I love Loisina, through thick and thin she is always there, God just ranting to her calms me down. She not only listens to me but understands and gives me input. She is the only one out here who gets ME....

Losing my trail of thought but I started this blog 5 days ago its about time I put it up.
Continue later...

Waiting on my day

May 15, I am going on a trip of refreshment, renewal and repair. I am going to come back the strong, motivated, content person I need and want to be. Will trust only few, let those few affect my life if at all. It will all be back to the me I am happy with. This place will not make me something I am not. I will remember the good times and how it felt. I will also remember the past make sure it doesn't last but only till I have learned my lesson.

Things I say I will never do again

Yesterday was a good day. Had lunch. Lay around campus having meaningful conversation and enjoying the sun. Then there was the track meet followed by Korean Culture Day, lovely Korean food was amazing. Hanging out with new people was cool too.
But Friday night I did it again. I stayed up waiting for him when HE was the one that asked to come stay with me. He says his explanation is relevant but really I don't know anymore. I want to not care but I still do.
I wrote this just a day or so after I broke up with him and I still feel the same

I already know I am going to miss the good things about Jamare and it pisses me off how he had nothing to say. How he just took it and walked away like he has been waiting for me to do it and not be the one to do it himself.

I mean I haven't been as happy as I was since right after we got back from break. It just hasn't been the same for a month or so now and I felt like I was just settling and not getting my times worth. I know some people may think I broke up with him to find someone else but I don't want to be with anyone else at all. I liked being with him when things were good and actually felt like he cared and when I felt like I could get something out of being in a relationship.

I just wanted him to want to see me want to spend time with me give me not left over’s of his time but the fresh ones. I don’t want him to come see me at like 3 in the morning once he is done getting smoked up and chilling with whoever he wants. I don't like being the last person he wanted to hang out with, my room the last place he wanted to be in… but that’s how it felt, like he was being forced or obligated to come see me like he couldn't wait to get back to the house or run off to somewhere else just not be here.

I didn’t want him to come see me because felt like he HAD to. Its nice when he just come randomly like just because he was thinking about me rather then me asking him are u going come see me tonight and then he’s like man ok I have to go...

I don’t know what he thinks or feels because he doesn’t says. I don’t want to have to read his feelings from his expressions because there is so much chance of taking his expression the wrong way. But I know he cares or else he wouldn’t have been with me for the 3 months we were together or would he have? I don’t know. He told me what I said hurt him and that it hurts not talking to me… I wish he would just do it. Talk to me, tell me. I know I am not being demanding or asking for the impossible. All I am asking for it to feel wanted. To be able to have more than just how was your day what are you doing later talk to him. To have the connection I have with very few of my close guy friends and even more.

I miss the times when he would come see me before or after work, times when I felt like he wouldn’t mind being home all day with me. I understand I don’t like being in one place for a long time and I like being out and about too. I will miss the good morning baby texts, knowing that there is someone out here I can say is mine and I his, the idea of being something important in and part of someone else’s life.

"I want someone who knows what he has when he has me"

I told myself I wouldn't talk to him when he called but when do you know me to actually sticking with what I say when it comes to him...especially when it is something that is going to end up making me feel down.
I swore I wouldn't cry over a guy 4 years ago. That nobody was worth my tears but when he told me he was told I was messing with other people while I was with him my first word was "wow". I got back to the room and I couldn't hold it in. Even though I had been hurting there is nothing more hurtful than him not coming to me when he heard stuff like this. I stopped knowing what he was feeling at a certain point. Apparently I take things too seriously or what not but I can't do anything about it. He came over I really did want to talk about everything but I knew if I started talking I would get emotional about it and I didn't want to, to be honest I just don't know anymore. I feel like he is either going to sit there and just look at me. laugh, make a joke out of what I have to say to him or just telling me "don't trip about it".

I want things to be good which ever way. I either want to have it all or not at all. I don't want to be in the middle any more. I still miss the security of knowing someone cares. A part of me wants to have the good times back but again I don't know. I am afraid of failing I am afraid of feeling how I did and do. I want him to tell me how he felt how he feels so I can sort my feelings out. A part of me needs him to do this for me. But I am not strong enough to ask him do it. I have trouble communicating with him. I wish I could do a better job talking to the person I am suppose to than telling it to my girls or writing it out here.

Yet another day! Ending of this week and start to another one...yes I am thinking fuck!
I feel no better maybe even worse. Ik wil ga naar thuis. Ik been heel moe op dit plaats. Ik hate als jongens in mijn leven. Zijn bent heel echt duche bags, all fo em. Feeling physically drained and getting there mentaly. 45 more days to go and I will be out.

why can't people just make friends some times. what makes you think you have something I want. really have we come to a point where all a dude wants to follow is hes physical attraction instead of getting to know you. These kind of things make me wish I was still back at ISH.
I miss my morning chocolate croissants and Rab getting us hot chocolate from the staff room.

Road tripping for the night

I feel so empty and useless right now. I didn't go to any of my classes because I was sick last night and ended up throwing up with some blood in it. I still don't know whats wrong but I am taking pills for my irritated throat. I just want to keep smoking my cigarette and feel like I am worth something....

I got interrupted
Need to go... I will continue later

A quick one before we go out

Not going to hide nothing no more if I don't like you I will verbalize it. And if I know I don't like you I am not going to try to be your friend or pretend to be your friend. That it.
People out there that lie time and time again and it is suppose to be honesty time I really have nothing to say. It sad though how I deliver but I get the lowest treatment back. If I matter to you even in the slightest way you would be frank with me when I ask even if it means I will get mad. Its a given if you get caught being up to stuff you shouldn't be who ever catches you or finds out will not like. I have learned in the past that hiding shit just coz your afraid of pissing someone of isn't always the best idea because the intensity of their anger or disappointment is not going to change how soon or late you tell them.

This is going to be my bitching spot...

Birth of the new blog

Sometimes I wonder how much of my life I am living for myself.
People see me and what they see is the smiling, cheerful slightly perky self. There is a lot more to me than that. No body is perfect so if you don't find me practicing to be perfect don't be surprised. I am still trying to figure myself out, still learning about me. If you want to come along for the ride then keep up. I might not be consistent with it but I will get there in due time.