A mess in my head

Yesterday, Sitting out side smoking with David at about 11:30 PM and felt it. I knew this week wouldn't be as good as the last one. Don't get me wrong I am trying to look on the bright side. But when you know that there is a bunch of issues that need to be approached and if need be confronted you would feel just the way I do...knowing how much I hate stuff like this.

My room phone woke me up. It was my parents. They apparently called me many times yesterday on both phones but couldn't get a hold of me. I spent the whole day in my room and had my cell phone with me the whole time.

Telling my mother I am thinking of changing my major made her go flying through the roofs or it sounded like it while I was pacing up and down my hall way. People coming out of their room to go to the bathroom and looking at me like I am crazy or mom. My mother doesn't get to me like that anymore I actually didn't just quietly accept what she had to say...I haven't been for a while now. I had my say where it was needed. I don't think she appreciated it though. Its known that trying to have to conversation with my parents is hard. Voicing my personal opinion in these cases is considered disrespectful. I don't care anymore though. Its just sad how she would rather have my struggle to pay for school myself and let them pay for me to do what I want to do. I can understand where she is coming from but the sad part is she doesn't. You would think some one that raised you and was there from the first steps you took to the day you boarded the plane and left the mother nest wouldn't understand anything. Its always the same story every time. I would think she had learned her lesson the first time around with Sally but I guess not. I sure hope to God she starts to see things in the light now before things screw the youngest over not that it already hasn't with us not being there and everything. I partly feel like I am responsible for some of it because if I was still there I would be the one that would be taking all the shit. Telling me like she told Sally and now she is telling Pom pom that we are going to be good for nothings when ever we do something that she is not convinced is right. Why she thinks this will get us to see what she is trying to say or will push us towards her side I don't know.


I really don't like conflicts or possible signs of them. I don't like the thought of people I care about are holding out on me especially when just the other day everything was just fine. But I can only care so much. so much is a whole bunch. No one has any idea. That's how I am. I have given it thought, just taking things into my own hands making the decision for them and leaving it to that. I am just saying I don't like being left in the dark when I can see light through that peep hole which I hope will eventually get bigger and I see THE LIGHT not just the ray through the key hole.

I feel a break down coming. I am not sure how many of you will get to see it. Yes you reading this might. I try to not let my emotions surface. I really just need to get back to that state of mind before all of this. I really do. It worked so much more better than this new one I am trying. I think this week and its end have to bring will really be the deciding factor of how it will all go from here. But I have partly made up my mind.


Its still all jumbled up in my head. I can't straight it out. Not yet.