Things I say I will never do again

Yesterday was a good day. Had lunch. Lay around campus having meaningful conversation and enjoying the sun. Then there was the track meet followed by Korean Culture Day, lovely Korean food was amazing. Hanging out with new people was cool too.
But Friday night I did it again. I stayed up waiting for him when HE was the one that asked to come stay with me. He says his explanation is relevant but really I don't know anymore. I want to not care but I still do.
I wrote this just a day or so after I broke up with him and I still feel the same

I already know I am going to miss the good things about Jamare and it pisses me off how he had nothing to say. How he just took it and walked away like he has been waiting for me to do it and not be the one to do it himself.

I mean I haven't been as happy as I was since right after we got back from break. It just hasn't been the same for a month or so now and I felt like I was just settling and not getting my times worth. I know some people may think I broke up with him to find someone else but I don't want to be with anyone else at all. I liked being with him when things were good and actually felt like he cared and when I felt like I could get something out of being in a relationship.

I just wanted him to want to see me want to spend time with me give me not left over’s of his time but the fresh ones. I don’t want him to come see me at like 3 in the morning once he is done getting smoked up and chilling with whoever he wants. I don't like being the last person he wanted to hang out with, my room the last place he wanted to be in… but that’s how it felt, like he was being forced or obligated to come see me like he couldn't wait to get back to the house or run off to somewhere else just not be here.

I didn’t want him to come see me because felt like he HAD to. Its nice when he just come randomly like just because he was thinking about me rather then me asking him are u going come see me tonight and then he’s like man ok I have to go...

I don’t know what he thinks or feels because he doesn’t says. I don’t want to have to read his feelings from his expressions because there is so much chance of taking his expression the wrong way. But I know he cares or else he wouldn’t have been with me for the 3 months we were together or would he have? I don’t know. He told me what I said hurt him and that it hurts not talking to me… I wish he would just do it. Talk to me, tell me. I know I am not being demanding or asking for the impossible. All I am asking for it to feel wanted. To be able to have more than just how was your day what are you doing later talk to him. To have the connection I have with very few of my close guy friends and even more.

I miss the times when he would come see me before or after work, times when I felt like he wouldn’t mind being home all day with me. I understand I don’t like being in one place for a long time and I like being out and about too. I will miss the good morning baby texts, knowing that there is someone out here I can say is mine and I his, the idea of being something important in and part of someone else’s life.

"I want someone who knows what he has when he has me"

I told myself I wouldn't talk to him when he called but when do you know me to actually sticking with what I say when it comes to him...especially when it is something that is going to end up making me feel down.
I swore I wouldn't cry over a guy 4 years ago. That nobody was worth my tears but when he told me he was told I was messing with other people while I was with him my first word was "wow". I got back to the room and I couldn't hold it in. Even though I had been hurting there is nothing more hurtful than him not coming to me when he heard stuff like this. I stopped knowing what he was feeling at a certain point. Apparently I take things too seriously or what not but I can't do anything about it. He came over I really did want to talk about everything but I knew if I started talking I would get emotional about it and I didn't want to, to be honest I just don't know anymore. I feel like he is either going to sit there and just look at me. laugh, make a joke out of what I have to say to him or just telling me "don't trip about it".

I want things to be good which ever way. I either want to have it all or not at all. I don't want to be in the middle any more. I still miss the security of knowing someone cares. A part of me wants to have the good times back but again I don't know. I am afraid of failing I am afraid of feeling how I did and do. I want him to tell me how he felt how he feels so I can sort my feelings out. A part of me needs him to do this for me. But I am not strong enough to ask him do it. I have trouble communicating with him. I wish I could do a better job talking to the person I am suppose to than telling it to my girls or writing it out here.