Change

I feel like I have made a new turn in my life where I am content in a most parts of my life right now just not school... not yet( I will get there though)

A friend of mine pointed out that I didn't look the same and that I was acting dandy the other day that's when it hit me. I have reached that point, the moment I have been waiting, of refreshment, renewal and just clear content. I feel like I have moved on from a chapter of my life that I was feeling drained in. To a point where I just look back at the good stuff having learned so much from it. I am ready to good back in meet the challenges that life has for me. Enough with the negativity get on with the positive. I am just going to look life from that direction for now.

My parents come back tomorrow and that's going to bring with it a lot of baggage, things that need to be dealt with and talked about. Questions will be asked that I can not or don't want to answer not just because I had confrontation but because I have found my answers and they don't necessarily need to know them. They might be part of my life but they are not my life so it all boils down to what is best for me in the long run and how is it for me now.


I can see I have changed so much in comparison to my friends. I have been seeing it little by little the past to weeks over the short time I am out with them. But not just that I have a very different outlook on this freedom of not having parents here just because of this year away from them. It will be hard being told what to do and when to do it by parents and what not. I had always felt a bit out of place with the people I go out with but right now I just feel like they have stayed the same and I have grown mentally in such a different direction. Sitting down and talking with the girls about getting ones own place and being out on your own where as the guys are still living life like they are in high school and not in college. Don't get me wrong I am not looking down on anyone but it just seems like they really haven't grown out of their childishness in so many ways.


This is not all I want to say but my tram await...More like I will miss it if i am not out of the house right now so.




Happy BIRTHDAY to my girl Rora!!!! I will have more to say on that one later too... you will get a whole blog to yourself m'dear!!!

In My Head

In my head I play this song
its a song I have heard before
of a girl who had love
love so overwhelming
she couldn't believe it at all
she had a habit of running
pushing away when she heard melody play
No body ever noticed her way

I want to tell you I don't care
but I do
I don 't know why I want you
when I don't need you
Knowing that all you will bring me
is Tears
I don't want to sleep by myself
but I won't find someone else.
I just want to
I want to get out of these silly thoughts
When my body wants you and
its hard to keep myself from feeling
But I keep seeing you never really cared

I want you to let me go
make me hate you
because I know I can't stop my self from
wanting to be with you
But push you away
Met me under the red light
So you can't see the tears in my eyes

Its so amazing how you are nothing.
Not the person I feel in love with.

A lil old saying

Can you ever forgive if you can't forget?
questions like that stick with me
When positions have moved
I hoped thoughts would too
but nothing has changed.
I turn all the pictures to a blur
to try and get it out of my head
But I still see the dark lining
bring back the rush of ecstasy.
I need a new addiction
that isn't you.
Clear your music out my Itunes
Delete the picture off my screens
Replace my old Zahir with a new one.
I am going to try
I have forgiven but not forgotten
the good memories.
Its a different state of mind.

You haven't forgotten what happened but learned from it or learned to live with it. You have come to peace with it. Forgiving and forgetting might just give you leeway to make the same mistakes. But remember not only the disappointments and let downs but the euphoria, pleasure and moments of satisfaction.

Hour long

we haven't been the gang in forever even before I left so there isn't a gang so to speak and umm our personalities have changed they enjoy the walking all about town all night sorta thing I don't. I like a certain type of music and doing something instead of others. I am not too into my feelings about stuff you are too into about ....If you like a guy quit talking about his fucking friend who you say you gave head to and might possibly love you so he says but he backed out...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so much drama and I was drunk and blew it for you so you tell me. I don't give a shit. I said I am sorry so get the fuck out of your feelings and move on don't dwell on this shit and those boys you are supposedly in love with or whatever the fuck it is you are need to get themselves together but not more than you do hahahaha that's it.

It has been good to be back... So far in many aspects.
I get to see my sister who in so many ways has not changed.
The food is as good as ever. I haven't had a single bit of junk food, burger, etc since I have been back. It makes me happy.
I went to church on Sunday and it felt good(why wouldn't it right).
Going out with friends had reminded me of a few things which I will elaborate more on another blog because there is a few.
Having Werner here I feel a bit(how do you say it)constricted/held back. Having to go around see people, People wanting to come see me it's mostly something I have to do alone which means he needs to find something to do and so far it hasn't been too bad but I still feel like a bad hostess when he came to visit (me more so than others)and I need to get rid of him when family friends come around.

In a way I am glad he came to visit because who knows when I will be able to see him again. And there are so many people all over that I wish were a bit like him who made the effort to meet up and see each other especially those that can afford it and have the time. but oh well. Every one is different. It would have been nice if I had this week to myself more than I did and he came to visit a bit later. But then he wouldn't have a place to stay so he wouldn't have come to visit at all.


Regardless of the dilemma being the guest or the host myself. I am having a good time. I had forgotten how much him and nat cracked my shit up. I am constantly laughing and its fun just as always I am the one who is the outsider to some extent now still.

I have been told I have a Kansas accent by a kid from New Jersey and I am more violent apprently.

I need to go be a good Samaritan and clean the city now...


Sorry for having MIA...for the very few that actually pay attention to all the ish I blog about. haha


HOpe every one is having a great summer.

Suprise week

So this week is about to be interesting. Today I got a call from my friend who I haven't seen for over a year and he just happened to be looking at tickets for Monday so I get to see him...
This will be a wonderful visit because I wasn't even planing on seeing him at any point... ah this is going to be great.

No one but me and Werner has any idea [and maybe Nat] how exciting this is.

The familier sound of Dutch to my ears

I made it through an 11 hour flight just fine. I was passed out from KCI to DC. I think the fact that I was up all night and drunk before I headed to the airport contributed to that. From DC to Amsterdam was different because I only slept for a few hours and was dosing of and waking up none stop. Anticipating landing. and it was a great feeling seeing the farms and the water below with the windmills. It took me a while to get all my luggage together and make it to the train station downstaires and missed my train so I just waited for the next one.

Nat came to get me from Central I was so glad to finally have some help for my luggage even though some guy helped me with my large bag on and off the train I thought that was nice of him and said thank you a million town. I don't know who but some one in pitt had said to me you are pretty I am sure some one will help you so who ever said it I guess you weren't too far off.



This is me and Nat taking the bus to town. I am glad to be back in town for the public transportation.




When I was ordering this girl asks me if I know what it is. ofcourse I know what it is why would I be ordering it if I didn't know what it is by its exact name?

Never the less it was amazingly yummy




Ended up like this

Gotta love Vapiano.


Town hasn't changed much... Its just great to be back. I feel like a completely new person... or more on my element than I do when in pitt. All that bipolar behaviour ( as Chris called it) is gone when I come here atleast so far.

Got home and had so wot and injera which was long over due. Then went out to town with nat. It feels like I never left in the first place even though I feel a tad bit out of place since I need to adjust to the way people look out here once again. I need to pull out my European state of mind out.

I can't wait to see Polina and Bobo tomorrow. And go to church since fall break this should be fun.

I hate this and I might possibly hate you[possibly because hate is a strong word but right now that's the a word I am obligated to use]
YOu don't see you have never seen the extent of things from my end EVER and that's sad. I just want to beat on your chest right now and make you feel it like I do[have]
Make you see this pool I sit on following[from me]

Fuck you and you and you and you...


Have you ever witnessed the loyalty switch when your friends be the person you can trust and depend on but once they make new alliances. Their friendly requirements to you mean shit to them....Its some horridly funny shit.

I keep nothing from you NOTHING not a fucking single thing because so far that's what I thought I have been getting from you but shit... if this is how we play it why should I put my self out there when I don't get the same treatment back. What changed now that you don't tell me shit when I asked straight up....what changed?
YOu know the extent of things me and you share but I am starting to doubt you... I have been for a bit now but shit this was a form of confirmation for me.


And You, I would be like I am in the above but like I said why should I be opening up to people and being my ultimate self to someone who isn't there. Who doesn't appreciate what right there[ in front of you]. Like I said a long time ago what shit difference does it make that you are trying to make friends if you ain't really trying to keep[treating] the ones you have right then?

Out here, every time my instincts told me something it has followed through and on point too. So don't sit here and tell me my instincts are wrong. I might be being paranoid but my paranoia is dead on point too so don't fucking lie to me I fucking hate lies or liars[makes me a hypocrite] but If you were truly and honest with me that's what you would have got. I hold back because the one, two, three times I asked for the truth so understandingly you lied to me. You told me to my face I was imagining and seeing things in a different light when really you have just been switching up on me. SO don't get mad that I am treating you the way I am because you deserve it. You just don't know and that wasn't my choice I had to look out for my 'friends' best interest so I became the bad guy when everyone else came out as the sane and reasonable one. All this is based on my instincts and They don't fail me. In time I have learned[my lessons] to follow my gut feeling so don't sit there and tell me I am being paranoid because I know for a fact my paranoia is on point.


I hold back so much because I don't like conflict, arguments or headbutting with people but some times even if I turn out to be at wrong I am still going to fucking say it out loud enough with my silence and trying to give people the benefit of the doubt coz I ain't getting nothing for ya'll. Yes I am not....Nothing but me sitting there for hours talking to my sister trying to figure out why all my friendships out here are so fucked up and out of the norm. Realizing how much this place and the people in it drain the living daylights out of me.




I know what it is I just let people walk all over me and I am done with it all. If you are allowed to voice your opinion and act an ass whenever you pick and chose well news flash expect the same shit right back.



I might as well get to you while I am at it. I don't like people who call themselves friends but don't act like it. Yes you know what I am talking about don't be acting like you have my back when really you are going behind my back fucking around with him. YOu thought I didn't know huh? well bitch I do. so take your friendship else where coz I don't like to associate with people that be going after some one they know I have feelings for. and shame on you for[being a guy] letting this happen and not seeing how much shit meant.


When I hit my target I hit it hard and I would like to see you pull me out of it.

I give I give and when do I ever receive? It doesn't even matter no more coz you probably have nothing but poision [ to my soul] to offer.


I will pass on all of that thank you very much.

Closing of a chapter that already ended

I start with Hey how are you doing? What have you been doing this week? That doesn't even matter why am I asking. Point is I am leaving tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you to have a great summer. Its[you and me] been fun[good] getting to you for the short while I did. I just felt like end of the year>>>> first year of college>>>> end of this chapter of my life[ a chapter that has been close for a while] and I just wanted to say Goodbye. I know it would bother me if someone left with out a bye[rora knows what I'm talking about]

I forgot to say this



























I'm SORRY, as cliche as this may sound it was never my intention to hurt you which in the long dun really, I think, I know I ended up hurting myself more. We had a good thing and I blew it. I am sorry more than you will understand or know. I need you to tell me its ok and if not right now maybe at some point it will be okay so I can stop beating myself about it every waking moment of my day. Bottom line








I am sorry.

I wonder if some people tolerate your friendship in a certain way because they think you are friends with them for a specific quality they acquire. Why are the people I am friends with my friends? Some people are certain because they like my personality and I theirs.
I know when I moved here I had a few guys ( names are not necessary) were so close, texting and calling wanting to hang out but the minute I wouldn't let them in my pants it was a different story. It was as if they vanished off the face of the earth. That showed me which part of me the valued to have become my friend. But there are the exceptiion few that I can never tell why they are the people they are in my life. I still wonder and don't know if I will ever find out
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I am the kind of person who likes being reminded what I mean to you. I like ( like most people maybe even everyone) getting appreciated once in a while. Everyday is too much only when necessary. I would like my good deeds to go unrecognized.


But why worry about human recognition when the most important one comes from above?

Who are you now?
I can't help but wonder if you have become what you are because of me.
How,from that moment onwards you were completely different.
Cared for nothing(me)even more so than before.
Or that's how you depicted yourself(to me).
you were once JOy and a sanctuary in my life
now you are nothing but lost and scares.
Unpredictable is your ways so distant, physically but more so emotionally
what am I do to do about you, the thoughts that seem to assume me,
the concerns I have over situations remotely related to you.
Am I to erase it all to move on? or go back? Can I?

Again I am left in a state of confusion.
Stagnant.
Rotten.
Something I have never been.
Still hitting that brick wall(you)
Stuck in the concrete
Sinking
Unable to break free.

For the sake of doing it.

The days go by with out blogging the more I feel this is going to be yet another failed blog site like the other two.

So I am going to write not to lose it. To keep going and make sure I am on top of it. I am going to write just to write.

My last weekend of my first year in College...
Well it was eventful. Somethings we could have done with out but even those make us stronger where we are or break us(as cliche as that may sound) and for some it has jumped to a different level for others we are at a stand still. But I wouldn't have asked to spend it any other way.

Out with friends on friday night and acting a fool. Lois's till mid day Saturday was refreshing. We talked about so much and what's going to happen over the summer. It is going to be different and Long...But I am looking forward to it as it is.
The rest of the weekend has just been quite.

My room looks like it did when I first moved in...


Brandy(my roommates) finds it so odd how it looks the way it does now; for me It brings back memories...that feeling of freedom I had been waiting for for years. The thought that this 12.5 by 13 feet room would be my home for the next 10 months was exciting. Now I look forward to the summer and the 10 months after that how it will be.


Different


From this one. Having grown and learned so much. Not making the same mistakes. Letting people in...pushing them away.

But first I need to get on this flight and make it home and back.

I need to make a list of things I need to do before I leave and while I am there.
(I just jumped when I heard a brush fall... He probably didn't even realize it)


1. Take boxes to Loso's
2.Change mailing address
3.Pay phone bill online from home
4.Make a list of souvenirs for who?
5.Don't get lost in the middle of your list....

Time out.

It has been an eventful and insightful weekend. I have been wanting to put so much down but having left your laptop out of reach(so to speak) makes it hard.

I am stuck...

Who knows...It seems I'm always asking that question...Its a futile action to ask an impossible question...so why do we do it all the time?

The need to know seems to overpower the rationalization that it is impossible to do so. So I sit and I ask this pointless question, ponder, worry and tear my hair out over it even though I know none of these things will find me an answer.
In fact answering this particular question falls on the side of the completely impossible...I can't know until its too late and I just can't accept that...

I just had a high moment listening to pirates of the Caribbean theme song






































Then came this one....my low moment.... I sat here in the corner and cried.




I need to talk to someone. Probably not you.

You make me sick! You know who you are.
I shouldn't have put it past you to be the way you are.
People like you is the reason why I don't trust(Meisjes).
You say you are this way only to others.
How is it different that you find it acceptable to be the way you are towards people that are not your friends.
I say if you can do it to people you don't know it must be easier to work your way around people that you actually are more knowledgeable about.

All this has been a learning experience from day 1 at BFS.

God help me be a better person than I am now because I need it.

Lone Ranger

As cliche as it may seem. This is how I feel. Lost. Alone. In the dark. Unsure... of everything. Things seem to lose their value, lose their meaning. I feel as though I'm losing everything. Especially a sense of self. I don't know how to deal with myself, or my thoughts. I write them down and read and reread and still they make no sense, still they seem written in another language, or at best, by another person.

Words roll off the tip of my tongue and I barely hear "I'm fine, everything's okay, I'm good, it's going well" and I am glad because lies burn through my ears like quick fire, and it really is quick fire question time. Everyone seems to want to know what the fuck is going on, including me of course.

I listen to music. I think. I have nothing to talk about. I feel happiness like an unreachable goal. It seeps away through walls I thought were air tight. I feel sadness like a disease, consumption of the only good things it seems are left in life and I feel myself waving goodbye to all that was ever good. Everything that has ever been good floats through my head when I have empty minutes that creep into hours and consume the time as though it was nothing. I think of people and places and things and tears fall but they feel like they are disappearing and I feel like I am disappearing and all of a sudden it doesn't matter and I feel the memory of when it did matter floating away too.

My words are poison and I feel as though I can't even trust myself anymore. I type out these words and then I realize that I never trusted myself anyway, I trust this, I type and I don't think I just let words flow as though they are excess which I need to excrete to cleanse myself. I need to cleanse myself. If only it didn't seem so... like the end.

Mid week

The day has been slow...The night is going to be long. Bio Lab final tomorrow and I have no one to study with. (Bummed) ah well I will have to just stick it out on my own.

I went upstairs to get me something to eat and it was closed. I don't have the desire to go eat nasty dinning hall food. oh well I won't let this or anyone one ruin my day. Even if I have a big load of things to get through for this final....I am gong to do my best and hope that pays off.

Then its back to my den, back to my papers. Its me, Vincent and this huge ass TV tillI get it all done. then we can have a good night too.

I wish I was good at this

Ik wil dat was in staat om goed in Nederlands uit te schrijven. Ik juist pist mij ervandoor op welke wijze zij allemaal fungeren de weg zij dit doen.
M doet dit ding waarin ze fungeert verkiezen eenieder is haar beste vriend in de achtig geen tijd. Geen jullie zijn van niet. Ik mocht in staat zijn om zijn te begrijpen omdat jullie zijn vormen een kleine stad dat jullie zijn de weg jullie zijn maar waarvandaan ik sta in brand jullie gaan los als nep wanneer jullie doen de dingen jullie dit doen.
R jullie zijn daar juist ik weet niet verschillend. Maar jullie maken mij gek zo veel op welke wijze jullie zijn zoals het volk ik praatte in mijn blog eerder En jullie.
C juist hebben zodoende van bewegende tot mij en ik verkies niet gene. Ik verkies jullie zo veel daar voorbij jullie kunnen zich denken. En ik probeer bloedig van niet was de weg ik ben. En zo veel meer minder. Jullie hebben zodoende van de vervaardiging mij voel zich juist verloren

Gezellig??

I just get reminded every day that there is never a good time for moi to get cozy. Yes its all a day to day may be even in the lowest measurement of time level. When ever I feel like I have gotten or am getting there with some one. I just get set back by something.

I really need to stop caring.


Some people are just down right rude. They know it and don't care. People like that piss me off. If you know you are acting in a way that is considered in appropriate in the society they why would you not do something about it. I don't like rude, narrow minded, impolite people.

Insight

Its when times are short we become what we are
better at all this communication and that
look back at the year past
I learn a lot,
This is all about you
you deserve it I think
don't let it get to your head though
I doubt you will.
I have learned to change my ways
say what I want to say not in June
but in May.
though things have been vertical
its been fun from day one.
First in line and never last
Started it all
'Primary and fundamental'
In brief you are *Primordial*

Good Morning

Its been a good day. Not as productive as I would have liked it to be. I need to put last minute things together for classes. I stayed up 27 hours and ended up passing out for 2 hours. Still going at the moment. and with the amount of work I have been putting off. I want to stay up all night like I used to back home with my Euro shopper Hazelnut chocolate bars ( two of em) and be awake all day. But these ones >>>>

are real good too.
The only difference between ES and RS is that ES ones have small pieces of Hazelnut and RS has the whole ones.

At 7 AM itunes on and I had John Legend singing Good Morning. That was the good start to my day. With a few old rituals.


People are starting to leave this week and next week we are all out of here...most of us are (even if its for a little while).

Last night was like trip down memory lane. Watching Desperate Housewives that I had missed earlier that day when I was chilling at 2621. But that kept me up.
All day I have been thinking about is packing, going home and all the good things that await me. I am so excited I just hope I don't get my hopes crushed with in the next week. Damn Consulate people.

I know I am crazy and irrational at times but when people physically abuse me on purpose. I don't tolerate that kinda stuff.


All is said and done.


Maybe not said but done for sure.

This is where I stand. I know where that is. You need to 'find yourself'. But I am not sticking around for it.

16th of May

Talking about food in my previous blog just had me on a role. Vapiano is my most favorite place to eat at... That is my meeting point..lets grab a glass of wine, lets grab something to eat or just go get desert place.


Antipasti: Insalata Caprese


Pasta: Pomodoro fresco e basilico


Pizza: Rucola


Desert: Crema de fragola

And with all of this comes a wide variety of wine to chose from and no age restrictions either.

AHhhhhhhh I am getting myself hyped so much

Some one today asked me what my deal was and why I don't have a boyfriend...LOL
I wanted to Laugh at his face or give him one of my blank looks. But that's hard to depict over a text.

Lucky Ducky Kiki

I am about to put my thoughts down in bullet points like assignment style with an introduction,main body then a conclusion. So here it goes.

This blog today is going to be many of my disappointments I have had in the past week or this weekend. Nothing seems to stay right or alright for long. I have so much to talk about when it comes to this whole past week but lets keep it shot(I don't want to be going on). So we are going to limit this to the food and people for now. I might end up with a third main point so deal with it.

Today I woke up not that hungry but by the time Rora decided to start her day I was starving. You know one of those days when all you can think of that one meal that will make your day well I didn't get any of that today. Nothing to eat at the dinning hall as always and nothing is open late enough when you are hungry to get something to eat...which is still in my opinion junk food. That's something I never ate back home. It makes me sick to think of the amount of stuff I eat out here that I would be found dead eating back home just because I have no other option. I miss the food at home. How healthy I felt eating what I ate. I honestly can't wait to be back home to all the good things in my life. That includes the people too.


Which gets me to my other point. PEOPLE out here...I haven't found one person out here that hasn't made me think....what the hell is wrong with Americans(sorry for the few exception). Maybe I am the odd one out. But as times goes by(if it isn't the big things its the small things) I tend to find out how much different I feel from/towards and about everyone around me. I am weary of calling people friends and getting nothing but hostility or lack of friendship from them.(which bring me back to not having that one person that I have and will always call a friend from way back). I personally expect my friends to treat me at least as much as I treat you. I don't want to be given the cold shoulder when ever you have someone else to be around. I really don't like hot and cold behavior but if that's how you treat me I will be your replica and treat you just the same. I don't like being walked all over or being treated like shit. So if you find yourself on rock roads when it comes to me...take a good look at how you have been treating me as a friend and maybe then you can find your answers. Don't act like you care(for what ever reason it might be) when you don't. I keep saying it over and over again. I don't like flip flopping, I don't don't don't want your kindness only when it fits you or when you can see that look on my face. Some times I wish I was more like Chris says I am most of the time. How he looks at me and can't tell what I am thinking. I want to be like that around everyone around me now a days because those who do tend to use it towards me in a negative way and I just agitate my nerves. I want to stay a question, mystery to people hidden and unfamiliar with. That I feel like would save me all this mind trouble.

I am looking forward to being back home...being around people that don't drain me out.

Back Track

I have never really tried self help books but I think I am going to. Become one of "those people"... Lol. May be it will work. I am really just going to go look at a self help section look through it and pick one out

Getting back to strong friendships

I feel like I am missing out on having some one that knows me inside out and I feel like is not putting on a front at times. I just feel cheated in all directions of my life right now...not only by people around me but by one who handing me life...

This weekend has been slow. I do not know what this coming week has to offer

ለየት:ያለ:ነገር::

አንድ: አንድ:ጊዜ:ሰው:ሲባል:ይገርማል:: ሰለችኝ: በቃኝ: ሞከርኩ: በቃኝ:: ክድም ሮራ እና እኔ ስቱደንት ሴንተር ክሪስ እና አይቨንን:ለማየት:ሄድን ግን:ብርትኒም:እዛ:ነበረች::አንድ:ስው:አይስማማም:እኔ:እና:ብርትኒ እንደዛ ነን:: I will get back to this later. It takes a while to type it up stuff up in Amharic because of my keyboard and not having power GEZE doesn't help either. But I am liking this. This is going to be awesome. Normally it wouldn't work but it works not so this might be the new face of my blog... sorry to the people that can't read it...sometimes its for the best.

It really borthers me!

People that chew on both sides of their mouth
As a kid I used to get told of if both sides of my cheeks were bulging out. So please get your food together to one side of your mouth and not both.

Don't sip on a drink while you still have a mouth full of food either that is disgusting.

People with big ass boobs and dress like they have moderate size ones. For god sake just put them away I don't want to have to be looking at your breast in my face very time I look at you.


kudos to you on having the self confidence to be flaunting them around like that... but please please please not everyone( especially me) don't want to see them. Put some damn clothes on. Even I know when I am not dressed appropriate enough or not.