Just A Quick One

Sitting here in Kelce with the Kauffman kids.

Its been busy being back.
Going to be done with this today so I will share some of the few things that have been running through my head and what not.

I am about to go make sure kids are not doing same thing I am doing...what they are not suppose to be doing in other words.

I wouldn't know how else to put it.

I am about to be on that train ride again! Tomorrow!

Start of a new school year for me[ I know you're thinking school year doesn't start till August]
This is second time I am leaving the place I called home for 19 years of my life and heading to well I guess some might call it my new home but its school. I haven't felt comfortable to call my parents house home more some reasons more than others but I am doing this finding myself and being my own person thing on a much higher level this time around. And I feel like its going to be different. Sitting around for a whole month with not much to do other than look at my computer screen, sit and think and see what my life was the past couple of years well got me thinking[again] or how I promised myself I would do things differently when I found the time and place that allowed it.

My first year in Pitt was nothing like I wanted it to be. A disappointment in quite a few places and me being as I am I tend to weigh more on those than the success and achievements.

For a moment though I don't want no one feeling like they were part of my disappointment[may be you were at some point but thats a different story]

I love my girls... They made my second half of the school year what it was and thinking about it makes me smile from the core. [I don't know if I said this in another blog] I want you guys to be the people I go visit or talk to when I am 50 and we look back at our days at the boot!

Talk about our plickde plick plick time or lack of [rora]

I have learned so much from some people and they know who they are. Those that see great things in me and have told me so Thank You! that meant a lot more than you think it did.

I know there are some of you out there that don't realize where you stand and what values I hold when it comes to your friendship and I hope one day you will. And when you come to that realization I get to know of it.

I hate interruptions like un expected text messages and people acting childish over little things.
I am trying to get a blog post in one mind set thank you.

People never fail to surprise me at the most unexpected times.
Jamie[if you ever keep up with this]
I heard you all the way through the other day. I understood all that you said regradless of your intoxication. It all made sense[make a prat out of yourself? never] Bobo and I talked about it and enjoyed it quite a bit actually. You made my night. Your rolling paper helicopter intreasting if only I could see you doing it instead of your mid body section in the camera.
But Keeping in touch is at two way street and neither of us were on that road this past year.
For me it was because I felt like you would see that I have changed and not accept it or I just didn't know how [being on different parts of the world doing completly differen things with our lives] to find that common ground for us but for all the things you have said and we talked about the other night I think we're already standing on that base we just need to connect.
And thanks to this technologicaly well equiped world, you mac, my hp shall not fail us unless we fail ourselves.

Back to my train! the ride will be shorter but as effective in my will to scrible stuff down I hope. Just be gone in a peacful place or productive not everything in life is pretty colors right.

But getting on and off the train will be a pain for sure. 3 sets of bags all by myself? Wish me luck.
Sad I depended on getting a ride from me father who has a meeting early morning. atleast will have helping hand when I get back to the land of OZ or close to it.

Dearest Jamie

Jamie is DA BOMB!!!

She is drunk right now and demanded a post about her. So here it is

She keeps thinking twitter is the same as blogspot is same as twitter.


she can make anonymous comments.

Fry-day

After a historical night of telling my mom how I really felt about things she brought up yesterday feel extremely good about myself. I only wish I was leaving on Sunday and not Tuesday that's three more days I am away from my Life.

I did my Laundry today and packed most of my stuff except the wet ones obviously and My book

The joy of knowing that I will have all my books to read makes me happy:)

Except I am missing one book [Veronica decided to die] which makes me sad I want to re-read that the most.

Monday through Tuesday

I remember being on this same path last year.
Sneaking around(then it was because I really wanted it it last night/today I actually needed it) for things that I that I guess weren't really worth if if my mother was to know. In my opinion however I learned what I needed to know which then made people think I was on a higher level than I actually was and now (well a few hours ago)I find myself face to face with what started it all and I didn't know where to start, with telling what I have learned how I've grown/changed

I almost missed the train it was a close call with the ticket lady.

Looking out the window I see the residue of a rainy night (I was in it at some point in some what manner). I wonder what that black lady with her nappy ass hair and a lip piercing that look like it wasn't done right, is going to A'dam for? Even the rest around her? You can clearly tell the business men from the students. I wonder what category someones just like myself puts me in. Dressed in formal pants, tennis shoes a leather jacket and a bag with a folder full of documents. Probably think i am a student at the Hotel school[How ironic if they really did thought huh ...it would make my smile from the core(that's my new thing to say)]

Girl to my right in red coat seems like she is going through.....

Inspection paradox
Birth-and-death quearing... [I can't see that far on her page]

Definitely a student she is.


Ah! Typical student 'I am in a rush to have breakfast so lets grab a box of juice, etc [Chocomel]

The last word was Model... Birth-and-death quearing Model

Hmm that's a lot of equations in this book. She has got and its in English so most probably Leiden University

We have only traveled 10 minutes...why is it slowing down?
I forgot the train stops at Leiden

Nope not Leiden. She is still here. So Amsterdam University College.
Man in front of me is sitting here in his own world on his [DRUM Roll Please] Berry...Who does that remind me of?

I wonder if that is how he will be when is older with a ring on his finger just a lot more darker with a more up to date phone at that time...maybe a brush in the hand still?[ what do you think Rora?]

Running for the train I totally forgot about the coffee I said I would get while talking to David during my printer disaster. Yes I get quite a few of them at home and stayed up trying to get it o work so I could print my application forms and not mess up this appointment.
My mom woke up took the vacuum cleaner and just went to work on that printer front and back.

This scenery is so beautiful. It makes me want to reconsider wanting to leave[if only I was quick with my camera you could see what I am talking about]

This dude is singing 'she got something I like'. I want to have a specific thing that he likes and can't get from no one but me. Ask me what that thing is....I couldn't tell ya.
Its going to be a long wait for my appointment. I will be getting[brain freeze for a good minute]

Sleep getting heavy on the eye Trust playing in my ear

Ah! Schipol I will be here next week exactly this time[that's the airport of all those that lack dutch life knowledge]
I felt my feet get cold




I almost missed getting off the train but some cutie woke me up and said we are here.[with out that coffee I passed out]

In half a sleep mode I paniced a little [from the core] I didn't recognize A'dam central that well not until I walked down from the platforms. I had totally forgotten to check which tram goes to Museonplein[Embassy street] I had a vague idea of where to catch the tram not sure which one though. I asked the information lady.

I did a better job at all this last year. Because it was my first time and messing up my visa issue would have meant I was stuck in the place I was. Mosdef not a place I wanted to be at. This time around [in the back of my head] I had a thought they gave me a visa before I am just renewing it this time don't worry too much about it and this care free spirit almost cost me a lot of money.



I now sit in the gorgeous little tunnel shaped care[the closest to the embassy] because if I am not mistaken I might have actually gotten here about over an hour too early for my appointment[ all my time telling devices are still in Kansas time]


Can you tell I am eager to be back? When I say I can't wait to be back people wonder if its because Europe is boring and that I find Pitt better than The Hague but that's not it at all. For me Pitt is a place I can be myself to the fullest[ I am still figuring out who that is for those who might be asking who is that exactly], where I can be, say and do as I please with out constantly being reminded of cultural and and beliefs I got raised by. From these I have kept some but others do not fit me like a good shoe for the path I want to take in MY life in the 21st century we live in. I feel like my parents are still living in the past in their minds but think too much about about the future too much they can drive a whole clan of people Insane.

I am not saying live life with no aim, have no plans but please please for once you need to sit back as people of God leave some things in his hands. Your constant thinking and worrying it not going to change the out come of things but just because you stress and drag us[Mahly and pomy] along.

I keep getting lost in a blank thought starting at the chandeliers hanging from the bars on both sides of me

It's amazing! I love just writing. I have decided to re-read all my books from my High school English Literature class over again this summer and coming fall, Finish the ones I started and gave up half way[ a habit I have had]

Again I was gone...but blank

I just love this Environment around me. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I actually went to Hotel school here. I would be getting ready to go on a six month internship at the end of the summer.
I just love the busy city life, the opportunity of having to meet so many new people from anywhere and everywhere those people that come but are most likely not to stick around or keep in touch

Right now the clock couldn't move any slower than it is already. My God I have at least another hour till my meeting. But then again If I had left an hour later than I did it would have been calling it close and may be even being late

One thing I learned this year amongst many
To be early is to be is to be on time
to be on time is to be late
and to be late is to be left behind
[love my kandies]

And who wants to be left behind? Not me and I certainly don't like being late either. Its a bit chilly in here but I don't want to put my jas back on

Back to my books and the main reason I want to read them again, finish ones I started is some things Ms. Farrell [ my first English teacher at ISH] said to me.. If I want to be a good writer[ I don't think I have the gift to write like some people do] read read read.
I am also going to take a creative writing class either online or just to fill credits at some point.

Someone keep check on me? [Cookie... can I give you that job? you seem to see potentials in me neither I nor other people seem to see. Okay may be mr not big papa does a little I guess.... he has said somethings you might want to shake his hand for. do you even get on here unless I mention it during our talk? Just to let you know I quite like your spontaneous anonymous comments]


When someone asks what is your type how many of you have a list or description and how many times is that a well thought out answer instead of spur of the moment. I am starting to figure my type out or that's what I plan to do with the me, myself and I time I am taking off like before my recent involvement.. Figure myself out more in that area not just settle. No man is worth my sacrifice if I am not being made a sacrifice for.[ the one thing I agree with my mom about]

Its almost 10:30 appointment at 11:15. Should I go yet. I think I will wait for another 15 minutes. My bladder has been trying to open the sphincter and let it out for a bit but sphincter hasn't failed me yet....haha
I don;t want to move from here. I could sit here all day and just zoooonnnnn out for a while look around me and keep scribbling. You rarely hear me say I want to stay in one place for long, I just love it here [this feeling , spot, trail of thought, mind set I have which is none in specific but a small dose of everything after each blank moment.]

I am waiting on music I was promised. I wonder when its coming but I hope its worth my wait when it does. I'm trying this new thing called patience thing as part of my growing process i guess.


Ah bathroom time...
then embassy


Laterz!

"I believe unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant"

Martin Luther king

Backspacing

I have deprived you of the attention you deserve year after year I think some where deep down inside that's what you have been waiting for. But I didn't realize it till one summer night. I was a late late night too.
I don't know what it is about these 3 am talks that question both the past and the future
(Let me pause for a moment and think...hmmm)The Future?
Whats that for us
All I know is I'm grateful for the past...No joke(as not big papa but the other one would say DA-ask me I will tell you what that stand for)
I personally think you are retarded at times
but its your pride
Ah that pride but its the way you are
and that's absolutely alright.
That makes you the unique one
you know what sets you apart from all those that have come and gone?
Its that THIMUN 2007 was not the time I thought you would show up
None the less stick around.
It was faith I was working reception at lunch.
An accident I left my applications in your hands
my luck I got to see you in conference
and walk home that night
Looking back at all that and more it makes me smile from the core..eeks
Even though you backspace your words online
In the end those thoughts are bound to come out.
And if its really the way you say it is
I feel special.
But I am at a lose for words to show you how much your worth in my life.
If only you could read minds...you're still not to bad right now.
But my (or is it your)turn (which ever) will come where you will reach the realization I have.
Don't worry though,
you will always be my cripple gay retard.

June daze!

That's what my actions of the whole week have been to myself and everyone around me. I did nothing but stay at home sleep, eat, shower and get right back in my pj's to some extent I liked it the feeling of doing nothing... I tell myself that's the point of being on holiday( Its a lie or that's what I really think).

So much has been going on since my parents got back last week(yes Monday it was a holiday some pentecostal one...I should know more about this but I don't care)

A lot about school and I guess life( more of that was today over lunch with mama)

This is my first actual blog in a long ass time... for my liking atleast.

Its a shame all the days I spent laying around on my bed with my laptop somewhere in my reach or right in front of my face I would get on here... Check to see if Chris, Rora, Lois, Josh or Ruth have added anything. So far only been keeping up with one since I only find updates there so as a whole in comparison to everyone I 'follow' I haven't done too bad well except Chris but he an exception.


I need to go take a shower but I will be back on this tonight for sure.

It is going to be a long night... or not seeing as I spent the whole day out with my mom.

Shower time...

I shall blog and get it all out like its late April all over again.


Its funny how most people I have met over the summer and read my blog think I am upset every time I write. I was told I hold too much inside and need to sit down say it all out at once and get it over and done with. If only it was that easy Ibk I would take you up on your offer sadly it's not.

I know in the past my blogs have been inspired my emotional self for the most part. But I can't write unless I am in some state. It was hard at first but I am getting better and just writing when I want to I guess.


Its just something of my own...Most people don't get it.


Ah that shower awaits me must get to it.


Laterz